Tour

Where we’ve been so far:

  • Berlin, Germany
  • Barcelona, Spain
  • Sofia, Bulgaria
  • Porto, Portugal
  • Zagreb, Croatia
  • Budapest, Hungary
  • Prague, Czech Republic
  • Krakow, Poland

11357_10155327030730375_5147354941649575581_n


Bucharest, Romania – 2017/2018

Report:

An amazing game of tour was played and some of the highlights will have not made it into the write up, however this should cover some of the most ridiculous and hilarious moments that occurred. Everybody made sure to get stuck in, have a good time, and embrace the cold, snowy weather to produce a fantastic week.

show more

Circle

We started off tour in upstairs Kelseys. Everyone entered upstairs with a smiley sticker, eager for the week to come. Circle started off strong with a game of slaps, where democracy won and dictated that the game should not be played in terms of number tour. Tom Ovenden did us all a favour and used his auction to keep Bal quiet until midnight. Jude boldly attempted to jump over one of the tables, and instead kicked Khaled’s mostly full jug of eliminator and spilt it all over the floor. At 11:00pm Jason still hadn’t arrived for tour, which was worrying as the day before he told Miles he thought he had to make his own way to the airport. Eventually he arrived at 12:30pm via an Uber. Miles and Keys frequently fucked up in circle, and ended up getting rather annoyed at one another when either made a mistake. We played the Carling and FA cup, with Keys once again reaching the final of the Carling and Peter beating the cocky grads in the FA. A shout out goes to Jason for reaching the semi-final of the FA cup.

At 2:00am everybody drunkenly stumbled down the stairs and towards the train station where we met our bus driver Paul. At the back of the bus a small crew played a game of Chicago Store throughout the entire journey, and by the end of it most people had to start getting creative as we had gone through our inventory of rhymes found online. The front of the bus was a lot quieter with most opting to sleep; those who did not opt to play several rounds of very sloppy s’bottle, and Spriggs lost odds to keep those who were awake up. Tom Lake thought it best to sit next to the toilet so he could watch people go in and out. Luckily for him he also got to witness JD throw up through his fingers all over the stairs as the bathroom was occupied.

 

Day 1

We then arrived at Luton and prepared ourselves for a lovely 7hour wait on the airport floor. Surprisingly quite a few of us managed to get a decent amount of sleep and found the tiles paired with our bags as pillows to be a suitable bed. A bitchy woman disagreed and let us know that the airport floor at 6am was neither the “time nor the place”. After considering her comment for a grand total of zero seconds, we remained where we were. Once check-in was open we made our way through security where they decided to confiscate only some of our water pistols. By this point I don’t think anybody had even used them. After a quick bite we were on the plane, hoping for a 3-hour delay and another profitable holiday. Instead the plane took off on time which at least meant we were able to have a few drinks at the hostel. All of us were witnesses to Peter’s first ever flight; despite a few discouraging words from others he found it very exciting. After landing we all enjoyed a pleasant 50-minute bus ride in a sauna during which Miles struggled to figure out how to use the ticket scanner, causing endless beeping much to the annoyance of the surrounding locals and tour-goers alike.

As we exited the bus out onto the snow, some people realised they had not brought appropriate footwear and soaked their shoes in the snow. Once we got to the hostel, we chose our bedrooms and met downstairs for a few beers. By this point Tom Ovenden was quite worn out because Spriggs had remorselessly been intentionally losing the game of life to get poor Tom to do press ups. Most people had begun to ignore Spriggs whenever he said “yours”.  An impromptu game of drinking Jenga sprung up downstairs with highlights including a fantastic showing by Colin who couldn’t use his hands and Lia having to sing along to all the songs that were played during a round. A few others played some table tennis, where Khaled proved to be a difficult opponent, going unbeaten the entire night against some tough competition beating Jonny 20+1 to 11. A few of us headed out to Big Ben Pub but were shunned away as they were about to close, so we moved further up the road to an Irish pub and watched the same 20minutes of sports highlights on the glorious Pub 1 channel. The others, after their first power circle of tour, joined us as we walked to Oktoberfest bar. On the way Jude lost odds to do a face down snow angel beginning the trend of painful snow related odds. At the bar Tom Lake was observant enough to notice some left over cake on the neighbouring table, however he was not observant enough to see the accompanying phone and the jackets. Whilst the owners of said items were having a cigarette, Tom ate their cake with his bare hands and earnt the first new verse to his song on tour. At the same time Bal took the opportunity to have a nap on the table, during which the great question “What do odds of 1 mean?” was debated. Some people left, including Colin who stole a litre Skol glass for a souvenir.

On this night Jude managed to return as one of the last people back, joining Ross, Miles and JD at a busy bar full of old men, prostitutes and guys pretending to give felatio to a child doll. It wouldn’t be a night out on tour without a foot-long from the 24hour subway, with three separate groups ending their night there and meeting the lovely Denis.

 

Day 2

Day 2 began with a late morning. We split into our families and all headed to find somewhere to eat and plan our day.

 

Underwater Family

We headed once again to the Big Ben Pub to grab a bite but were once again not allowed in due it being closed. We entered the Trinity College, which had pictures of various party goer[5] s littered over its walls. We all grabbed our drinks before ordering and had to wait 30 minutes before the kitchen even opened. Josh Keys played a game of s’bottle between himself and some inflatable sharks, including Great White Josh White, and lost. Our food arrived and tasted substantially better than anticipated. We booked our escape rooms, finished our food and drinks then headed over to The Void.

 

Miles Konnor, Lia and Jack played The Coven room, where we had 73 minutes to close an interdimensional portal cursing a lone cabin in the woods. The first puzzles were simple to solve and we made rapid progress, until Miles helped solve a puzzle by talking to Lia through a wall in a separate room, and ended up being locked alone as the door shut him in. Eventually we were all together again and portal began to move, so Jack decided to film. The owner of rooms saw this and threatened Jack with death if he did not put his phone away. The room was completed in 48 minutes and after a couple quick reviews on TripAdvisor we were allowed to watch Zoe Wong, Jonny, Spriggs and Keys repeatedly shit themselves at the various jump scares in their asylum themed room.

The other group were far less productive with their time; they felt it best to dress up as various characters using items of clothing and a wheelchair left in the room so as to fully embrace the experience. Much to the disappointment of Jonny (and relief of Zoe) there were only three costumes, so Zoe went without. After approximately 15 minutes of dressing up and solving exactly nothing buttons were found by Jonny and clues were solved by Spriggs which led to the first of four lockers being opened. To the relief of Jonny (and disappointment of Zoe) another costume was found. Unfortunately progress was slow, with Jonny attempting to feed drugs to a severed head (specifically drugs that the severed head did not want) and people avoiding solving clues so that jump scares were not had. Jonny spent 10 minutes writing down combinations of numbers for absolutely no reason, Zoe screamed at anything and everything, and Spriggs & Keys screamed at Zoe. After 60 minutes time was up and they had to leave the room without completing it (with about 30 seconds worth of puzzle to solve), but not before getting a photo in their lovely outfits.

A good scare makes a person thirsty, so we headed to another bar to grab a drink. Our next bar was lined with various old school photos of naked women, and we believe seconded as a strip club later-on in the night. Our bellies began to rumble once again, so we headed to a nice, cheap Italian restaurant Lia had found online. At the entrance we felt we weren’t dressed appropriately as it was in the ground floor of a 4-star hotel, and we didn’t feel inflatable fish were appropriate trinkets. Once seated we ordered ourselves some nice wine and Zoe got a large ball of mozzarella all to herself. One side of the table tried to be mildly civilized and managed to not pour parmesan in their wine, drink beer with a teaspoon or eat tiramisu with their hands, but not so much the other. Throughout the meal porn was a key conversation point, with Zoe naming her favourite categories and Jack explaining the differences between an otter, twink, cub and bear. Lia disclosed that she does not frequently watch porn but did feel it was appropriate to loudly exclaim “Oh ye, I definitely wank!”. Konnor informed us of his unreadable book collection, each book associated with a girl he has been with, and stated he needs to add a new book. In what can only be described as divine intervention, a mumbling man immediately approached our table with his hands full of books in what we can only assume was an attempt to sell us one. When Keys told him we were English the man replied “Francais?”. Konnor did not purchase a book. With our stomachs full, we returned the hostel to meet everyone else. On our trip back we were invited into Big Ben Pub, declining and laughing at the irony.

 

Zoo Family

After beginning to engage in a very half-hearted snowball fight with the gnome family immediately after leaving the hostel, we realised that we would much rather get food than provide entertainment to another, frankly inferior, family. Thus we headed to Mcdonalds, with only a slight detour to pick up some socks for Nathan and some swimming trunks for Josh White (at £40 a pair, Josh figured he could probably make do without).

The ordering of our meals proceeded with little fuss, with the sole exception of Josh, who struggled for an inordinately long time to communicate the concept of a 20 box of chicken nuggets to a bemused member of staff who had thus far only encountered the poultry dish in 6 and 9 boxed formats. Upon finishing our food, we decided to engage in a bit of light entertainment, seeing that the children’s play area had (apparently) been left unguarded. A few basketball shots were attempted, significantly constrained by the 7 foot high ceiling, before we decided to introduce a game of volleyball (dodgeball edition). At this point, we were rudely interrupted by Bucharest’s only mute security guard, who managed to convey the phrase ‘get the fuck out immediately or I will start hitting you’ without ever once opening his mouth. Impressive.

Following this rather rude and abrupt conclusion to our lovely brunch, we decided to head to a bar to spend our afternoon, before being distracted by an almost empty park filled with pristine snow. We split up into two groups at this point – the Gloves and the Gloveless. Gloves headed into the park and began a snowball fight, with Pete losing an odds on to hit a stranger with a snowball. To his credit, he did make it look like a fairly credible accident through the cunning positioning of Tom Lake next to a woman he had selected as his target. However, he failed to convince his target of this charade and got shouted at; something that everyone else found hilarious. The Gloveless headed to the mall in search of some gloves, with Nathan eschewing a delightful pair of studded leather gloves inlaid with costume jewellery in favour of a fetching pink pair of child’s mittens.

Gloveless rejoined the Gloves in the park, where we all joined in with a fairly laidback snowball fight which lasted us well into the afternoon. Particular highlights included:

  • Tom Lake losing an odds on to eat a snowball (and taking what seemed like the rest of the day to do it)
  • Khaled getting random objected on a snowball (while he wasn’t wearing gloves)
  • Jason getting cornered in a tree (and filming one of the funniest videos of tour whilst he was there)
  • Josh White being relentlessly stalked by various members of the group. Nathan got close at one point, with a snowball that was closer to a snowboulder. However, JD decided that this would be the perfect moment to perform a rugby tackle on our unfortunate president, resulting in the both of them being covered in snow rather than the intended target.
  • Josh tried to catch a snowball on his tongue
  • Josh stood under a tree and shook the branches (I’ll be honest, some of these don’t sound as funny written down as they were at the time)
  • Colin made up for his lack of gloves by ingeniously utilising his tour cup as a remarkably effective catapult.

We decided to do something nice to commemorate our time as a family, and made snowprints of all our faces on a frozen flowerbed, before stepping back to admire our handiwork (headiwork?). JD made the interesting observation that Khaled’s forehead was as big as Jason’s entire face, adding to his equally interesting prior contribution; namely that ‘I’ve thrown a hundred snowballs today, easily’. Tree shaking and upside down snow angel-making ensued, before we decided to do something really constructive and make a snowman. Halfway through making his section, Nathan lost an odds on to kick it apart, got very upset, and left the majority of the rest of the work to Pete while he mourned his loss.

Upon completion, various odds ons ensued, with both Pete and Tom both losing odds to deepthroat the snowman’s penis, and Josh losing odds to motorboat the snowman’s tour cup shaped breasts. Khaled then lost odds to run and jump through the snowman, which he managed to do most impressively after running a gauntlet of snowballs, before we all decided to head to a bar where we could warm up, dry off and, most importantly, get drunk. However, before we could even leave the park we had to wait ages for Pete to break off a dangerously large icicle. His methods (stand directly underneath it and lob snowballs at it) left a lot to be desired, and when it finally did fall, naturally Pete fucked up the catch and it broke in his hand.

The bar was lovely, and we were even given a tour of the micro brewery downstairs (The only one in Bucharest, as it turns out). We had a good look at the menu, and were rather concerned that some of the beers were called ‘Whities’ and ‘Blackies’, particularly considering the presence of a notorious racist in our midst. Thankfully, we managed to avoid any awkward incidents, and ended up rather enjoying our homebrewed beers. A ping pong ball was produced, and we all had a number of failed attempts at bouncing it into people’s glasses. Khaled hit Nathan’s (glass’s) rim with one of his attempts, which led to JD declaring a rim challenge and getting everyone to add their beer to Nathan’s glass. Jason wanted to add some of his interesting milk and mint concoction, but was vetoed. Nathan chatted some absolute shit to Khaled in an attempt to put him off, before Khaled nonchalantly landed a perfect shot (classic Khaled, 10/10), and Nathan took 25 increasingly pathetic attempts to finish it (classic Nathan, 0/10).

We then moved to the hostel for a power circle, where the implementation of swearmaster rules absolutely fudged Josh White, leading him to spend much of the circle residing under the table. Khaled demonstrated his patented technique for opening a bottle without a corkscrew (basically, hit the top of it very very hard). Unsurprisingly this caused a wine explosion and quite a bit of a mess, but we were all very impressed nonetheless.

New rules were invented during ring of fire, with the person to draw the first joker getting to make up the rule for the person who draws the second joker (which should definitely be a rule from now on). This led to Jason managing to get JD to drink for him for the rest of circle. What made this particular rule increasingly hilarious was the fact that Jason then went on to fuck up/lose on what felt like every single card that was drawn after this point (sometimes unintentionally, sometimes not), culminating in him drawing the final king. This, naturally, meant a lot of drinking for JD, who it should be added was also losing every single Branik Alarm © thanks to losing an odds on, and was therefore downing half full tour cups at a frankly staggering rate. Surprisingly, amid all of this revelry JD never once threw a wobbly, which we were all very impressed by.

We then rejoined the other families and continued in our lovely game of tour.

Fin

Gnome Family

We set off at midday in search of some quality food vaguely in the direction of the Bazaar, on Ross’s friend’s suggestion. A victorious snowball fight went down outside the hostel against the Zoo family, which finished when Nathan whined and gave in despite a valiant effort being put up by his family. As we walked past a church, a lovely man outside who was snowplowing asked us if we’d like a photo. What a lovely idea we all thought until we realised that was not the case. Michael took a photo, then asked the man to take a photo of us, who just made vague hand motions and weird noises instead. This was the start of our theme for the day: complete failure to communicate with the people of Bucharest. On the bright side Michael now has a photo of some random Romanian snowplougher on his phone.

We arrived at a wonderful restaurant that seemed to fit our incredibly lengthy list of requirements (1-Open and 2-Cheap), only to be greeted by waiters in full suits and game trophies lining the walls. Quietly, we played some drinking games. Jude ordered bear meat off of the menu which was apparently very tough. Ross ordered bean and vegetable soup, assuming it would be vegan, but instead was given about 2/3rds meat and bone. The waiters brought Bal a Grolsch on top of the one he had actually ordered, which he valiantly drank regardless.

After lunch we headed to the Bazaar, which was a cold room filled with used postcards, old surgical tools, and back issues of the ever-popular Lobster Johnson comic. Despite almost buying an old military helmet, we left with our dignity and money over to the park. Here we built a series of beautiful and well-endowed snow-gnomes, which Michael proceeded to murder in cold blood. Jude explored a 3-story underground piss-maze and we had another snowball fight. Tom Ovenden nearly hit a dog with a snowball which undoubtedly would have pissed off the owner.

Next we found a student bar with beer taps built into the tables. A ridiculously long game of touch cup was played and Ross did a suicide shot, showing impressive aptitude when it comes to crushing and snorting lines of plain white solids. He then walked for a mile and a half to a vegan restaurant, where they then proceeded to add tzatziki to his falafel wrap causing him to have a major wobbly. Once all were suitably tipsy we headed back to the hostel.

The families got together again, had a few drinks before beginning the bar crawl. We managed to pick up a lone German traveller called Brian, who ended up being really friendly. Not much happened at the first bar so we moved onto the second bar with karaoke on upstairs. We all got to witness a man scream Marilyn Manson’s version of Sweet Dreams. Miles and Khaled sang beautiful covers of Aha’s Take On Me and Maroon 5’s She Will Be Loved before we moved on. Jude received a spanking from Khaled and a whipping from a security guard, while Nathan was unsuccessful in getting any action from our guide. At Trinity College we had a round of shots that the barman adamantly explained contained exclusively Jack Daniels. Thankfully Josh White was switched on and could smell the amaretto, preventing the first death in Dodgeball tour history. Jude had drank too much by this point and had gone home, staying true to his tour-shirt name – heading home as the 1st person back. Tom Lake, after a long and hard graft, pulled a midget (and added a further verse to his song). More Subway was ordered and the Bonnie & Clyde of Dodge stole Denis’ jacket. On the CCTV Jack could clearly be seen holding up the jacket, then passing it to Mai-An who gave it another check before leaving Subway with it. Once home Nathan did his first were-whack after too much convincing, then immediately lost odds of 10 to do two more. Tom Lake continued his rampage by punching a racist, giving himself a nosebleed.

 

Day 3

The best day of tour. After Miles sent some Ubers to the wrong place, we were all at the Therme, aka the best waterpark ever. There was a wave machine, lazy river, plenty of waterslides, hot tubs, saunas…the list goes on. To start with, most people spent their time running up the stairs to rush down the slides. JD took a double dingy with Khaled, who loudly farted during impact at a bend. Jonny spent his day at the bar next to the pool and got very drunk. Keys was odds on to sit out the pool in the -2° weather for 1 minute and managed an impressive 6 seconds. During a game of cold weather chicken with several other people, Keys bottled it after a few seconds and was the first person to jump back into the pool. Clearly, this man just can’t handle the cold. The claim game was played in the sauna, with the drinking punishment being changed to an increase in heat level. People got wet and fun was had.

When back at the hostel, and before leaving for karaoke, two games were invented: tinnie bottle and scrottle. One was socially acceptable and the other requires you to dip your balls in your drink. Room 3 played flip, strip or sip, causing lots of nudity. Konnor felt the most appropriate place to seat his fully naked body was on Ada’s bed, who was the only sober person in the room, and Keys was seen sporting a red bikini. Even though room 3 were getting naked, they were allowed to cover the genitals. Even though room 4 weren’t getting naked, they weren’t covering their genitals. The drinking got everyone suitably drunk so we headed to the karaoke from the night before. Sadly the bar was shutting shortly after we arrived, but luckily there was another just next door. Spriggs, Zoë, Konnor and Jason got lost looking for everyone, however managed to stumble across the best pizza in Romania (big up Latin Pizza), so good they went twice whilst on their search mission.

It became quickly apparent that we would have to wait a while before anybody could sing, with a queue of 20 songs lined up by other people. This gave us all plenty of time to drink even more, so people bought some bargain beer towers that turned out to not be bargains at all. Zoe backed herself to have 7 drinks at the bar, she had 3 and stole a book. Two attempts at Eminem covers were made by Colin and Nathan, both were awful but at least Colin tried to rap instead of completely bottling it like Nathan. Matt serenaded us with The Sounds of Silence before Jonny had to sing a random Romanian song chosen for him by Mai-An. JD had a wobbly because nobody looked at him whilst he sang, instead everyone was having a good time singing Hey Jude with him in a circle. The local Romanians proved to be substantially better singers than we were, but we showed them that it’s the passion put into the song and not the singing itself. By the end of the night our singing had devolved into slurred and drunken shouting. Going 2 for 2 Tom Lake pulled out his smooth moves again and pulled a milk drinker. At the daily drunken trip to Subway Denis started shouting at Zoe, accusing her of stealing his jacket. Once it was established that it was in fact Mai-An, he somehow was very relaxed about the whole situation and said it wasn’t a problem. What a kind man!

Mai-an attempted to Were Whack Nathan, but failed on the technicality that he actually has to be asleep first.

 

Day Tour

We managed to have an early rise and get out of bed as soon as 12:20pm. Jack awoke groggily to begin celebrating his 21st birthday and we all sang him Happy Birthday downstairs, except for Jonny who lost odds to scream it like the guy from the bar crawl. We then headed to Funland to do some bowling and have some fun, but being a Thursday afternoon, it was obviously shut unlike literally every other thing in the building. Everybody ate some food, with some people going to KFC to explore the local cuisine, whilst Ada gave Miles and Ross a lesson on the variations in Chinese food based on the region.

Some of us returned to the hostel to begin playing Mafia. In the first game Josh White, despite contradicting himself numerous times, managed to persuade others that he was not Mafia. This led to the execution of numerous other players and eventually the victory for Mafia. The second game 5 people had established themselves as not mafia, meaning in theory the game was unlosable. Miles and Josh were convinced Khaled was Mafia as he defended Tom Ovenden, who was also thought to be Mafia. Khaled was executed and part of the suspicion was shown to be fact when the game was lost by the townspeople and Tom O revealed he was Mafia. A new verse was added to Tom Lake’s song because he spent most of the game as a corpse. Spriggs, Mai-An, Matt and Zoë headed to an escape room where they proceeded to beat it in 40minutes despite it breaking.

 

Ross and Bal describe their trip to the Parliament Building:

“So we actually tried to go to the art museum which turned out to be a part of the biggest building in Romania. It turned out to be much more interesting than the modern art gallery, so this review will effectively be just facts about a massive building. THE SCALE OF IT.

In 1984, Nicolae Çeausescu, dictator of Romania, decided that he should have a gargantuan big fuck-off house built for him in the middle of Bucharest. He decided to level 20% of the city, some 33,000 homes, to build it. This place is massive – it is the heaviest building in the world, most voluminous, and 2nd biggest after the Pentagon. It is so heavy that it sinks 6mm a year. He employed 700 architects to build it, and at any one time 20-100,000 people were working to build it. Some 3000 people died at the site. The building itself is 84m high, and went down 8 levels to an atomic bunker encased by a 1.5m thick wall in the middle of 20km of catacombs. To give you an idea of the size of it, we thought we’d walk home from it. Instead, we got tired after 15 mins and ordered an uber after only walking HALF WAY ROUND IT. Despite this, it only cost a fairly small 3 billion euros. (Jude has said that it costs about 16 million to just build a retail park for reference.)

Çeausescu was, unequivocally, a massive cunt, and was shot during a military coup in 1989. Apparently, literally thousands of people volunteered to execute him. During a miners strike, he commanded his army to shoot EVERY SINGLE MINER. They refused, so instead he got the doctors of the union leaders to give them each a 5 minute long chest x ray – they all died of cancers within a year. He must have been the scariest motherfucker.

After Çeausescu’s death, it continued to be built until 1997. To this day, only 30% of the 1100 rooms are in use.”

We all headed to the club meal that started at 7:00pm where we were all poured a healthy glass of wine. For starters we were given Zacuscă, which is a vegetable spread. As it arrived, most people were confused as to what to do with it, as it just looked like a weird mush in a bowl. Later the mains came out, however they did not come out at the same time causing some peoples meals to get cold before most of the goulash had arrived at the table. With each meal we all got some polenta, which by all accounts was very good polenta, but it is ultimately still polenta and therefore dry and bland. The chicken stews came out with a whopping 3 pieces of chicken each, that did at least taste good. The vegetarian was as you’d expect, a bowl of about 10 different boring vegetables. Whilst finishing our mains and waiting for dessert, another round of wine was ordered and there was a live performance by a Romanian band, followed by some dancers. The male dancers were clearly a lot more enthusiastic than their female companions, and we didn’t manage to work out why this might be. After what was probably too long a wait after our mains, we were given the baked apple which JD and Jonny lost odds on to slap, and also had to eat with ridiculous implements (JD used the handle of a teaspoon, Jonny had to somehow use a toothpick). The bill was paid and we headed home to begin drinking for our last night in Bucharest. Zoë had a dirty pint containing vodka, beer, lemonade and rum, garnished with a rotten hardboiled egg, that was subsequently evacuated not 3 minutes after being consumed.

For our final night we headed to Revenge bar for some cheap beers at 5 lei each. Jude, having had a little bit too much to drink at the hostel, threw up in a pint glass and was again the 1st person back. Within the first 15 minutes we had broken 5 glasses. Matt knocked over a few which got Colin and Nathan kicked out. This was not the end of the night for our unlucky duo, as they found their way into next door’s Karaoke bar, where they provided very enthusiastic (and very unwanted) back up vocals to the bar’s only other patrons. Colin then got lost on his way home. Peter[29]  threw a massive a wobbly because of Spriggs that literally lasted until Jug Day for reasons still unknown. Theorists believe it may have involved spilling multiple drinks, getting lost, running away in the snow, falling over in the snow, and shit-chatting, but none of these are confirmed. A few of us headed to the “best club in Romania” which turned out to be alright and probably not worthy of that title. Mai-An managed to flirt her way in after everyone else had to pay. Spriggs being a true gent held JDs hand as he was too blind and drunk to make his way to the bathroom alone. Miles, JD, Jonny and Ross headed to subway and met a bald man called Tom. JD did not like Tom and felt it was necessary to hurl abuse at him. This did not deter Tom, who then joined everyone at the table. This further annoyed JD, but Tom also decided to insult rocket league and accuse Ross of being Asian for the benefit of his racist jokes. Everyone but Miles, who was incapable of words, joined in with JD and berated Tom for having no friends and being bald. Back at the hostel, Nathan did his second Were Whack of tour, courtesy of Mai-an, Jack, and a tour cup of 50% beer/50% vodka. Tasty.

 

Day 5

Spriggs, Mai-An, Matt, Zoë and Ada woke up at 8am incredibly hungover, to make the 40minute walk through snow to fail an escape room that included a spinning floor, which definitely did not help their current condition. The rest of us woke up, packed up our things and ate our final meal in Bucharest. Everybody had an onset of trench foot caused by their sodden shoes and warm bus. JD had another wobbly because he was left behind when he went to the toilet as everyone walked to check-in. We arrived at our gate ready to fly, but the airport seemed to be missing a plane. Our hopes for a 3-hour delay were teased even further when BlueAir felt it was necessary to change gate, then force us to wait on the bus to the plane for 30minutes. Sadly we were all seated and only arrived 25 minutes late to Luton airport. We landed then waited for contact from Paul, the bus driver, to come pick us up. Our last journey on tour together commenced, with the tour awards being announced on the coach. Peter won the award for biggest wobbler, which caused JD to throw another wobbly as he felt he deserved it. Tom Lake, Zoe Wong and Colin were all mentioned for thievery. The best costume was given to Ross, as he brought a suit with him and actually put his costume on. Jude won safest drinker (1st one back) as he was sensible and headed home early two of the nights. In a way, we all won tour but Mai-An’s wellies won the title for just being genuinely consistently useful throughout the week. Even though Denis was the nicest man in Romania, he was also the loser of tour, for having to deal with all of us at the end of the night/early in the morning, and for having his coat stolen.

Some left and finished their game of tour early, with people wishing farewell to Jason for the last time. Most people went to bed as they had be fresh for the big league meet the following day.

 

Jug Day

JD and Jude were the first arrive at 10:30 in the The Old Library, and patiently waited for an hour for another person to show up. To improve security the pub locked the main entrance during opening, causing many people to stand clueless and confused as to why the door wouldn’t open. Between 11:30 and 3:00 Miles, Ross and Jonny arrived and Jude left to get his train meaning for the first 5 hours of Jug Day only 5 people turned up. Jonny enjoyed a Yorkshire wrap that advertised that it came with beef. Instead it came with slices of leather that took 5minutes to chew.

Jug Day moved to Satchwells and people arrived in drabs. Inevitably, touch cup was played and Jason was extremely impressive at his first (and sadly last) ever game (*ahem*, Khaled…) Meanwhile, an intense debate, on whether an army of 400 horses or 7000 ducks would win, was had but not settled. Mehrdad asked how the final league meet had gone, leading to everyone responding to him with a list of ever unlikelier bullshit outcomes. Amidst this hilarity, Pete made the ill judged decision to slander the 2’s playing ability, and was rightfully removed from the whatsapp group as a result. He then redeemed himself in touchcup, making an impressive 8 successful shots in a row, leading Keys to throw a huge wobbly about how comparatively shit he was, and for a brief moment it looked as though Pete would surpass his namesake in Dodge as the Jug Day record holder. Later that evening, Lia was quick to return to her role of social sec, pressuring people to stay for Smack, physically dragging people where necessary (which quickly turned into pool at Kelsey’s). Matt bit Nathan on the shoulder, and commented that ‘he tastes fluffy’. Tour’s biggest wobbler, Peter, wobbled yet again on taxi seating arrangements. Tour finally ended with the closing of Kelsey’s. Only 3 people remained, the dedicated old social secs and Ash, who didn’t even come on tour.

A fantastic game of tour was played by all, and we all look forward to next year.

show less


Sofia, Bulgaria – 2016/2017

Report:

An absolutely beautiful game of tour was played and these highlights will undoubtedly not be able to cover everything that occurred, but this does contain some outrageous moments. Everything was exceptional from the effort put in by everyone to the 24℃ temperatures, and it has all been topped off with €400 compensation back per person for our delayed flight, meaning we got paid to go on dodgeball tour 2017!

show more

Kelseys (Sunday)

Once the initial excitement of all the free goodies including new additions of sunglasses and sick bags had settled and after a slight delay waiting for all 45 jugs to be poured, Tour was officially started with a 4.5 hour circle. The cardboard box in the middle was used as a seat for misbehaving tour goers including Miles, Akshay and Mehrdad who was joined by both Charlie and Khaled at the same time. Tim got odds on going by losing to get down to his boxers within an hour and Ben had a tactical chunder in the middle of circle. Pretty standard stuff really, and at 1:30am we boarded the coach to gatwick incredibly inebriated.

Bus

A coach journey isn’t a coach journey without some chicago store singing. The classic, ‘oriental monocle she wanted, a japs eye she got’ was a big winner. Due to chunders from Adam, Gavin, Jemma, Mehrdad and JaNude(on his chair and a bag which he later took through airport security) a service station stop was needed. However a sleepy Charlie believed Mark when he said that we had arrived at the airport and got off with his bag all ready to go. Charlie also disclosed during the journey that his mum gave him Herpes. A new colouring version of “the what?” was also invented.

Plane

The less mentioned about this the better, but the 3.5 hour delay was entirely Tourdan’s fault. Slapstrap, the game in which you slap a bus strap and make it stand upright was invented by Steel but completed by James. Joe also had a very big dribble.

Sofia (Monday)

Finally in Sofia, things were looking up when the heat hit us leaving the plane. Despite a minor blip when the first bus rejected us, we did get to the hostel. After checking in, an abolishment of order seemed to occur as everyone ran around shotgunning beds, only for the girls to find that their room had no door. Following this disappointing discovery, Sarah and Jordan then had to go to a department store with the hostel owner to buy 30 towels as they only had 7.
The journey was now complete and pres began hard and fast as expected. Petak was the bar/club chosen for tonight which was entered through embassy style security gates and pat downs. Never has so much table football been played whilst so drunk. In two separate incidents both Pete and Ben punched the toilet walls to attempt to increase the size of the holes but both failed miserably. Fozzy got free shots, opening with the line “This is a cool bar’.
Once we got back from the bar Keys (naked), Jonny, Matt (naked) and Josh White all got into Keys’ bed and Ross later joined in. Keys then whatsapped everyone attempting to get them to join him. Then late in the middle of the night the first ever presidential were-wack was completed by Nathan (4 more followed in the week). Jude threw up on his and JD’s pillows, then JD slept on it without realising the next night. We met Grumpy Subway Guy for the first time, who gets annoyed when people come in early in the morning of a 24hr subway. Pete got a love bite on his forehead and kept it for the rest of tour. Pounds arrived back at the hostel during breakfast with a swollen ankle “the size of a golf ball” but which was closer to a loaf of bread than a foot.
Jude and Ross’ late night adventures: Volume I. Following a random, unclear tip from a local, we discovered the speakeasy Lorka. This time accompanied with Ash and Ben, later joined by Sam Pounds. Went to speakeasy, met a male prostitute who gave Ross his number (saved as “Alexander Fucksurmum”). When asked if he had sex with men, he said “No I do not fuck men, only old ladies”. After this point Ash had to piss and after waiting for 10 mins the door opened and we found Sam who had randomly stumbled upon us. We left at 5(?) #lastback.

Tuesday day (family)

Hawaiian/peteco events:

The day started off badly for Nathan, losing the first odds on of the day to down some mozzarella water as soon as they sat down in the park. Needless to say, it was not tasty. The drinking games began, and Mr and Mrs was played with some highlights including:
The question: ‘who has the biggest penis?’ Charlie: “flaccid or erect? When I’m flaccid I’m small, but I’m average erect ”
The question: ‘who will get married first?’ Amy: *drinks instantly*, much to the upset of an unloveable Will.
Many inventions were part of this circle, with the creation of flamingo bottle and flamingo zumi. Mehrdad the Flamingo was excluded from circle. ‘With it’ was also invented. With every dropped catch WITH IT was shouted and the punishment was press ups. Two girls smoking weed came and joined us, and they even did some of their press ups. A local wandered over and we gave him a beer hoping he would do a pint off with Pete, but he just sipped the beer, sat down behind us for a bit, then wandered off again.
Keys had a shocker with odds on (a foreshadowing for the rest of his tour), having to follow a pigeon around for 5 minutes, run into a tree, and play chess with a local in which he got absolutely battered. It wasn’t all fun and games though; Peteco was still at work, with board meetings taking place in the portaloos. The locals looked mildly confused.
In McDonalds a bottle flipping contest began. Pete said he would do 5 tour cups if Khaled managed a bottle flip first time: absolute scenes when he nonchalantly landed it. Pete raced the 5 tour cups against Keys, and they were both fucking slow, Pete embarrassingly so. Walking back from the park we were approached by some kids who asked if they could have a flamingo. Of course, we gave away Mehrdad. They seemed far too happy to receive the burden of Mehrdad we had just given them.
Walking back to the hostel, a local youtuber approached us and asked if we would be in her video, so somewhere on the internet we are all yelling ‘subscribe!’. Pete then did a pint off with her, and won. The day wouldn’t have been complete without a game of flip, sip or strip, so we played this in the hostel. Matt Manns seemed sure to lose, getting down to not much more than his Hawaiian costume, but then luckily Keys’ bad luck stepped in, and he ended up in only a coconut bra. He then stuck the entire head of the inflated flamingo in his mouth. It was impressive.
We went to skaptoburger for dinner, where Sarah had a bit of a tragic dinner, the gluten free option being a lettuce ‘bun’, with a slice of tomato and guacamole in the middle, and her chilli pledge to go with it. Her dinner was less tragic that Charlie’s however: he was oddsed on to buy three alchoholic bevs, then told waitress he was 21 so had to buy another pint, lost odds on to do all of them at the same time, had to eat a chilli and cried, needed some relief so ate Sarah’s ‘depressingly shit’ burger, had to drink with his wrists, lost game of life so much he was almost vomiting, and rounded it all off by headbutting a pumpkin. Pete also lost odds on to eat a chilli, and also cried. Safe to say the chilli’s were fucking hot and Sarah smashed it.
10/10 amazing hen do, everyone in Sofia loved us.

Pirate events:

The Pirates headed off searching for the familiarity of sea but unfortunately found an empty pond and a park. Undeterred, alcohol and food was purchased and a suitable park settled in. Ben set the tone with a solid effort at deepthroating a cucumber, but was later beaten by Rich with a disturbing amount entering his mouth. JC and Steel had an ‘epic’ lightsaber re-enactment (On the 6th attempt). Ben got hit in the face with steel’s “Frisbee” and instantly got a black eye, at which Jordan laughed while filling up his water pistol with his mouth and snotted all over the ground where JC was sat.
Miles lost odds to chase a pigeon for 5 mins until it left the grassy area and soon after Miles and Emma were parents to a kid. The kid was given a flamingo and chewed on it, to a chorus of awws from the girls until JC commented “maybe she should have a go on the cucumber”.
Ships were substituted by 4 person bicycles – Jemma couldn’t pedal and she also thought she might die when Steel and Will were driving.
Child friendly JAM was played – tops off, and then around ankles. Mainly because steel had no boxers on. JC and Steel signed everyone’s calves for absolutely no reason, later redoing it when it faded.
Pirate slaps “urgh” was invented with Jemma making strange noises (furthered on the Wednesday night when Jemma burped during slaps and began the “urghhh” version of the game). Water/Beer pistol shenanigans, making Jordan regret the purchase and Steel was dolly parton for a bit. Jason thought JC was called Jack during a game of zumi, #j-cloth was imprinted on his tour shirt.
After going to Skaptobara before the unoriginal Hawaiian family we realised we had been far too nice to the freshers in our family when we saw the others. So we tried to get them drunk during an hour power circle with ping pang pong, but instead Jordan got wrecked before the bar crawl started.

Viking events:

Essentially the day was a classic banter-fest. We epitomised ‘family’, and had a wonderful day. Not one, but TWO, sit down meals, set the tone for what we could only describe as a fun-filled Pape-and-Rillage-fest.
We all invented Viking names for each other (see below)
Viking Name Translations:
Olegsson: Michael Ash Javaid
Odencock: Tom Lawson
Oh Sorry: Sam Pounds
Olaf: Danielle
Ideas Manus: Tim Fozard
Thor: Lia
Ragnar: Sloyan
Blorgnath: Gavin
Bjorn: Mark
Edvald: Jude
To start, Jude had to do 4 tequila shots at lunch because he lost odds on 4 times in a row (2-1), to odds on king Ideas Manus. Then Jonny bought a speciality beer from Lidl, complete with souvenir glass, only to drop the beer on the floor, puncturing the can, thus ruining his wonderful purchase. Jude odds-on Fozzy to have the 35th item on the menu of happy grill, which, sadly, Fozzy lost and had to eat a Tesco-meal-deal tortilla wrap, rather than a delicious Samurai chicken meal. He also lost odds-on to order a litre of watered down yogurt. We all rocked a 5 yr old Bulgarian’s world with a game of danger-can and the revolutionary 8-bottle was invented (by Ideas Manus). Pape-and-rillage slaps was invented followed by Lia slaloming the slalom trees – and did a brill job. We couldn’t go to the circus because it was closed- SAD. Ideas-Manus lost odds-on to win every game of chicken. Unsurprisingly after not sleeping all night Sam Pounds slept for the whole of family day. The electronic toilet, complete with Bulgarian narrator won our family day. Tom Lawson spent most of the day waiting in line for the toilet.

Disco events:

Bowditch started the day off with a tour cup out of a guitar then failed to EG plus looked like a moron in his office wig. Lake had an outstanding day wearing his headband as a choker, had a tour cup out of glasses and failed to EG again. He did one fat frog on his own, a tour cup on the stone chair, sat in a hole on his own (later Ash), lathered his cock and balls with suncream and a danger can by himself which took 10 mins.
Adam ran a fitness session – Katie was shit at blowing and lost odds on to forward roll to the furthest tree so lost – she was very shit. Charlotte tackled Tom without giving odds and apparently used to be a hooker.
We went to pop playlist for dinner where Ash asked for a lemon and ate a lemon, ate a pizza with a spoon and wrong arm long armed with Fanta. Josh White managed to fail his press ups and Ash played yeehah by himself. There was some unheard of banter from Bowditch and rumour has it JD had fun.
Ash tried to catch a pigeon (pidgy) and failed miserably before random Man and Dog joined the family. Dog drank Toms beer then Tom drank out of the dog saliva cup. Following the odd theme JD made out with a separate dog statue.
JD did a shotgun with a key which promptly went all over Katie and Chaz. Katie then had to lick JDs beery calves. Hill punch was brought back with Bowditch getting so into it he made his knuckles bleed. Katie had to run into Tom Lake down a hill, then Zoe lost odds on to get in the way and they all fell down the hill. Finally JD rugby tackled Ash down the hill and then back at the hostel the old Hi Ho was back.

Bar Crawl

The bar crawl was a great night of tour from the start, so great that Josh White who wasn’t going out because he was ‘too ill’ thought ‘fuck it’ and came anyway.
Jordan lost odds on to replace the word drinks with bevs to JD. JD later managed to instigate a wobbly by suggesting that he could piss between Emmas legs, and Couzens threw a massive wobbly. “No, no, no, that’s just so unhygienic.” Meanwhile Charlie decided to punch a window, breaking many glasses in the glass. Then Keys gave Pete a nose bleed after sticking his finger up his nose during a game of fives.
Steel chucked Couzens repeatedly into bushes, in response to this Will decided to put gum in his hair, at which point he started to cry, demanding Will cut it out, saying that it won’t grow back. Jemma got with Tim. Pete got naked in front of a police station and got told off by the police but somehow not arrested. Tourdan licked Steel’s toes which hadn’t been washed despite being barefoot in a park all day. Steel peed on Ben. Both Steel and Jordan had clearly had a beer. Later that night Sarah had to translate drunk Jordan’s words for him, as he was so slurred no one else could understand him.
Jude and Ross’ late night adventures: Volume II.
Following bar crawl, we return to Lorka with JC, Misho and camera crew. At 5am we leave the bar, start the tradition of going to Subway after each lorka visit. Grumpy subway guy was there every night except Thursday.

Park day (Wednesday)

(Jack’s BIRTHDAY)
We hadn’t even left the hostel before Gavin and Fozzy were passionately kissing, eyes closed and hands involved, neither wanting to lose gay chicken. As with everyday of tour, glorious sunshine and clear skies met us as we strode via shops for a full day of park activities. Frisby, JAM, whistle thingy and mini circles entertained many of us as we soaked up the sun and alcohol. Grass noise rave was invented and Mafia followed (where Misho knew all the rules). The Pappy- Foz combo ended up with mutiny in the village but Fozzy was shocking at narrating. Another epic game ended with Cassia switching to accuse Danielle at the last minute instead of Keys and allowing the mafia to win. Jonny drank 2 litres of beer and a bottle of vodka, Ross then lost an odds on to be his carer until we made it back to the hostel. Inevitably he failed to make it out later on, despite a last minute revival. Angel, Amy and Jack all went on a carriage ride around the park.
Later on, JD was shitty-bummed, the process of placing birthday cake up your bum, Mark then had some the next morning. Unfortunately the picture evidence was distributed via whatsapp and can not be unseen. Everyone smiled as JC got hit by a plank of wood from his bed and Ben’s bed broke on the same night (thanks Richard), adding to the post war look of our hostel rooms.
Steel went to apologise to Will for crying about his lack of hair the previous night. Turns out, Will was “spooning” Emma whilst wearing t-shirts – this was not as it seemed. In reality, Will was penetrating Emma whilst Steel sat on the bed and apologised. This was not fun for steel. And Sarah, on a separate occasion, unknowingly walked in on Emma and Will, who ‘left to get changed and brush their teeth’ together in the bathroom. Another new game, “power circle”, was created which appears to simply have no rules.
In the evening circle Jemma and Tim played straight chicken (which she won) but really they both lost as they did it for attention and no one noticed.
Once at Petak, the security told Misho to stop the guys getting with the guys. Charlotte also won a rather impressive 10 consecutive games of table football, including beating her less pleased other half.
3am at the hostel and it was time for flip, sip or strip – It didn’t stop until everyone was naked and then zoomy, rowdy and one fat frog were all played which became very difficult for the girls trying to keep their modesty. Then everyone realised their opportunity and covered Katie in sharpy as she couldn’t do anything about it without flashing. Keys had suggested flip, sip or strip and then lost first which he secretly enjoyed.
Tom Lake was found in a toilet completely knocked out on the floor, Jack the hero unlocked the door and he soon awoke and acted completely fine…until he chundered everywhere including his own bed.
Josh and Matt Manns decided to circle through the entire night and regretted it the next morning.

A short story: The Papworth Wobbles by Charlie Papworth:
Ben refused to shut up in the queue to the club when half of dodge was shushing him, so I slapped him. He then got too trashed in the club and punched the wall, so Misho came over to have words with ME. I kept getting told if I ‘broke anything else’ I’d be chucked out. Ben decided he’d had too much to drink, so he went to the ladies toilets, I followed him because I’m a nice guy. He spent ages puking over the toilet boasting about how he was ‘definitely going to get with Katie’ – turns out he was right. He asked me to get him some water I did, and he wouldn’t drink it. He fell flat on his face. He kept shouting for an ambulance and clearly someone complained because the bouncer came in to chuck us out. I had to carry Ben home, but he decided he wanted a subway. He didn’t want a subway, but he did need to puke. He clearly had a taste for the ladies toilets, because he went into them again. He broke the tap puking into the sink. I had to unclog the sink with my hands (flashback to Prague). He fell into a tree and broke it on the way out, doing immeasurable damage to the environment. He promised he’d never drink so much again. He drunk 60cl of vodka in just under an hour the next day.

Jude and Ross’ late night adventures: Volume III.
After drinks at Petarg, we return to Lorka with Tom Lawson and his Bulgarian bae in tow (Karenna). He did not convert. She insists on taking us to this ‘amazing kebab joint’ when in fact she just wanted us to walk her home. We then drop Tom off at the hostel, and go to Subway. We stay till dawn, and get ‘golden hour’ photos by the church on the way home.

Arcade Day (Thursday)

A day of bowling, fair ground rides and an arcade all in fancy dress was an undoubted upgrade to the rumoured depressing zoo. Everyone’s costumes were beautiful, with Michael’s impressive amount of effort put into ‘international cock and ball’ winning him best costume. Getting to the arcade did however involve catching the local metro in our costumes which naturally attracted a few odd looks. Tom Lawson had his picture taken by some girls who rather enjoyed staring at his large inflatable penis. Meanwhile Misho overheard Bulgarians discussing our nationality and questioning what the fuck we were doing.
Once at the arcade Nathan lost an early odds to not use his hands or feet whilst bowling but he still beat Keys despite this handicap, and as a forfeit Keys had to drink half a glass of absinthe. (Keys had a forfeit of having to spend the entire day drunk still so this is legit). Mark was the clear winner despite some clear skill from the fun ship team who even managed to miss the lane altogether on one occasion. Less great highlights include the creepy guy following us around for the second straight day despite protests from many and Cassia being waterboarded.
The club meal consisted of a stupid amount of food. With most groups struggling with the starter let alone the main and dessert. Steel burped so loud at the meal strangers enjoying their meals turned round to stare at him. Meanwhile Charlie booed the band playing so they decided to play the next song sat next to him. Michael found his new role as fun master on the fun ship, suggesting that people put their face in their beer and blow as hard as they could. The slo-mo of Izzy’s attempt is worth a view. Tom Lake got the touch cup penny in a pot of herbs (looked like dirt) and then drunk it mixed with beer.
Lawson and Fozzy naked pesto wrestled whilst Merhdad just coincidentally watched.

The last night pulling panic kicked in firstly with the inevitable Jemma and Pete. Followed by Ben and Katie who were rudely interrupted by a cock blocking Jack Cowlard who then slept less than a metre away from them all night (which then woke up a sleeping Jemma and Pete). Then Lia responded to her awkward question from Jordan earlier in the night, “when will you inevitably get with someone from dodge?”, and had a session in the toilet with an ex-social sec until Josh White awkwardly stumbled upon them. Jack also pulled Misho’s almost identical brother before being psychoanalysed by him on a late night walk through the city. The fifth and final pull of the night, a very unanticipated and surprising couple ‘cuddle’ was witnessed by Tom Lake.
Nathan was werewacked for a fourth time, and kept on taking the glass and putting it on the floor without actually drinking it. Richard literally shat himself waiting for a toilet to the horrifying sound of facebook messenger coming from the occupiers phone. Rumour has it he left it on the balcony and it’s still there now.

Jude and Ross’ late night adventures: Volume IV.
We bring Ash, Lia, Rich, JC and Misho to Lorka. JC does a genuinely nice thing and buys a whole round for us all. Rich takes one look at his pint and has to be taken home by Lia and Ash. Misho leaves because he’s kettled, and as a result we are left with 5 and a half pints on the table. JC and Ross agree to whack 1 and ½ each. JC has a quarter, chunders. Ross has 2 and a half, because he is a full scale laddo. All three then depart for Subway, oddly there is a different man working there for the first time #exciting. Ross then gets very drunk, and can barely walk home (after subway he remembers nothing). JC odds Ross on to piss on Charlie’s stuff. Ross lost, dropped trou and pissed for an extraordinary long amount of time, before passing out on Bowditch’s bed, Charlie wobbled again.

Journey home (Friday)

Despite the early start we managed to leave the hostel in time thanks to some pot banging from Sarah. Quick negotiations with the hostel meant we got away with the 3 broken beds, shit on the balcony, a broken toilet door, a lost key, a broken locker and just generally dirty smelling rooms. This was at a price of 30 towels including JCs which the hostel put in the machine before he realised.
Misho gave some of us a lift to the airport and during discussion over Pete’s penis size, he suggested Jemma had a big vagina. Both Rich and Ross were absolutely fucked in Sofia airport and Jude and Miles threw up on the plane, with the latter having to hold onto it during prolonged turbulence. Nathan had to explain why he had a game of noughts and crosses on his face to a very confused and slightly concerned border agent. Pete almost got refused entry onto the plane after ripping his boarding pass through the barcode. And Nathan continued his good form and even werewacked on the coach.
Fresher sing off – whilst Ben was reliably awful, Ross and Somersett were irritatingly good which upset the purpose of the game. This prompted banter from the bus driver – ‘the last time I heard a noise like that I had to take the cat to the vet’. Prizes were given; congratulations flamingoes, commiserations Rich. James Cameron had to tell everyone the time every hour and was incredibly annoying, classic Club. (We still don’t know why we are calling him Club).
Pete offered wine to child at the services, luckily he wasn’t wearing his ‘Peter File’ XL tour tshirt.

Jug Day (Saturday)

The girls game was strong and turned up at half nine, then went to play dodgeball and completed their mission of the day of not chundering on court.
Pete started a rough day for him by eating an icecream on a table with a local – she ran away from him. Extensive amount of 8.5% guest ale was consumed by many and left those who did in a bad place.
Bal finally came along – told us the unsurprising story of how shit Mixed Netball tour was – complete with snow, many wobblies and a whole mental breakdown.
Pete passed out and we all played a game of buckapete until he was thrown out. He then attempted a re-entry and was subsequently banned for life from the jug. Pete later attempted yet another re-entry and was threatened with a gun (we hope it was a toy) by another customer before finally being led away by Fozzy and Bal.
Simon Papworth (Father Papworth) showed up with smashing banter, and all was revealed to Mr. Papworth about his son’s escapades. Katie then had to chase after Simon and kiss him on the cheek – I heard he’s the better Papworth.
Ben MW then turned up for tour (finally) and Jemma punched JC in the face and then lost odds on to not speak for thirty minutes.
Jemma and Tim again played straight chicken (this time people paid attention) and he lost so bought her a drink.The final survivors at the Jug decided to extend tour for a few extra hours and go to smack on locals night. Keys pointed out that Ben MW was the real ideas man and not Fozzy who looked clearly uncomfortable about it.
Pete reemerged just before pres at Bals and somehow made it out in which time he realised that he had been spelling Jemma’s name wrong the whole time as Gemma. Tourdan couldn’t remember anything and somehow ripped his ear open and had to be bandaged up by the bouncer, before being escorted home.

show less


Krakow, Poland – 2015/2016

Report:

Monday – Arrival in Krakow

After a long night for everyone, and especially long plane journey for Sarah throwing up over herself and the surrounding floor on board, the Dodgeball Tour contingent 2016 deposited their bags at KRK hostel and set out, hungrily exploring the cobblestoned streets of Krakow. JC decided to re-enact the educational video of the ‘grapefruit technique’, a sight scarring to all that witnessed, see video if you’re brave enough.

show more

On their return, the majority of the club took a well- deserved nap with Balbin bringing all the banter by hammering on the girl’s room’s door and then just…sitting on the floor. However some of our keener members got on the drink as soon they reached the hostel, leading to the inevitable demise of fresher Keys and should-have-known-better Pete. As the pre’s began a variety of strange events ensued. Balbin’s forehead was violated by Rhys, who eventually cried out frustratedly “I just want to lean back without having a dick on my head!”. Rhys would later lick Balbin’s tongue. A worrying amount of deepthroating occurred this night, with Rhys and Rich both partaking in a serious sucking of the toy of tour: a butt plug. Sounds like they miss their dummies. Hague then paraded around proudly sporting aforementioned butt plug in his zip fly and had it sucked by several members of the club, realizing his true, idealized form in life. So that’s why he became uncontested president… During pres was the first time that JD threw one of his famous wobbly’s, texting Pete in his anger. Highlights include ‘mate, JC is such a prick when it comes to odds on… technically he should be in bed with me right now but he just ignores everything he has to do… He’s being an absolute vagina… I want to murder him’.

An impressive effort in circle saw Oli Steel fall over in the hostel toilet while pissing and deciding to continue whilst lying on the floor, soaking in a nasty little puddle. But that was not the end for poor old Steel as he, randomly breaking off at a dead sprint, went sprawling in the street on the way to the club, resulting in a t-shirt coated in piss, blood, dirt and scummy gutter water. The very first night was also the debut of our love stoury twosome, Miss Lonsdale and Mr. Lewis. They shared a magical moment with each other, not to be the last…

A likely already naked (we couldn’t really keep track, let’s just say it’s more of a surprise that Pete had his clothes on at some points than off) Pete and Josh Keys couldn’t handle the drinking, with the former becoming a passed out canvas for the artwork of whoever held a marker pen, and Josh Keys throwing up somewhat spectacularly up on Ash and Rhys’ beds. Fozzy seeing this simultaneously decided he wanted a snack…and sampled the delicacies in close proximity to him. Twice. Enough said.

Denise proclaimed her love for everyone around her, but then the night took a dark turn and she wailed all the way to, during, and back from the club, realising that not everyone would be
here next year, including lines like ‘you’re my fashion queen, why will you not be here?!’ ‘You must visit I love you so much!’ Squash were found in the club and fraternizing occurred.

Although the night was over for most, the night was barely starting for Jude, who managed to get lost for three hours straight.

Tuesday – Family Day

Mexican family

The day started off with an odds on for One Pint: To not be sarcastic for the whole day. Needless to say he failed in the first 10 minutes (he still owes 3 pints). The group carried on towards the castle, with a distraught one pint in tow, devastated that he had been ‘sapped of his powers’. Deciding to take his trousers down photo by the castle wall, it was an unfortunate underwear choice for Rolo who decided in the moment to have a cheeky flash, lifted up her skirt and showed a much more risqué picture than was at first intended to the camera, and the multitude of surrounding tourists.

The Mexicans moved on to the park where a game of maraca slaps and twenty plus one was played. They then played 5 a side in another park, with Team Sarah dominating, despite Sarah not saving any goals and Rosie of team Rolo saving 4 of JD’s. Adam climbed up to the top of a climbing wall, and finding it to have a platform in the middle decided it was the perfect place to urinate. His hands were then too cold to do up his jeans, so he stood there for five minutes incapable to zip them up.

It was a day filled with problems of defecation; Sarah, desperate for the toilet, ran into the public ones not noticing the woman you had to pay to use them. On coming out (with no money) she was then faced with an angry Polish woman who did not speak a word of English. Sarah handed her her phone as a promise she would be back to pay. As she walked away from the toilet she realized she had just sold her phone for a wee. On the other end of the spectrum, JD walked in and out without paying. As the renowned ‘shit thief’, make sure you date JD if you want to be treated well.

Star Wars family

Josh Keys was the pinnacle of this family, (Ash & Rhys’ beds clearly not being enough) managing to expunge even more of his insides into a plastic bag he carried around with him for hours until it had settled enough for him to return to a civilised state. He finally drank with them late in the afternoon, wherein the group got absolutely gazebo’d. They were suddenly invaded by two gonk droids that had been circling the area on bicycles. One kept guard while the other trespassed, setting a tentative foot inside the council’s chambers. He was solemnly and honourably offered the chance to fight to the death by Cooper, who fought valiantly but lost several limbs and had to retire. They also:

  • Planked on the KRAKOW 2016 sign, and conducted a multitude of epic lightsaber battles.
  • Mark played gamble tram, getting on every one near enough to them
  • Lia got dentist chaired/peasant pinted by JC
  • Won all family battles to secure the other’s family items. Ash had a mini wobbly about his club being stolen. A wild Steffan appeared on the scene of the rowdy Star Wars circle in a desperate attempt to retrieve the looted club and sent a bottle of vodka flying, then disappeared.
  • Cecilia fought the devil in the streets of Krakow and won. And did a pint poured from 2 floors up.
  • Mark stripped skilfully in front of a stranger whilst asking for directions, managed to get topless and was working on his belt when the lucky man inexplicably decided to flee the scene.
  • Invented the spinning lightsaber game: inflated their lightsabers as fast as they could, ran round them ten times then downed tour cups with the last to do another.
  • Got a serious telling off from a monk
  • Went for dinner and everyone chose accents to adopt for the evening. Cecilia excelled with a Chinese accent, even pronouncing her Polish order in it, and runner up JC performed an Australian one with much aplomb.

Cavemen family

After wandering the streets of Krakow for about an hour, the Cavemen found themselves sat around a sandpit, in a circle. After Ash drenched both Katie and Denise with a horrific shotgun attempt, the family unwisely circled in the hostel, receiving a sarky telling off from Hague at their lack of enthusiasm for exploring.
4 hours later, the Cavemen found themselves with about 4 pieces of clothing left on their bodies between the 10 of them – Thandi had 3 of these…

With it being Jack’s birthday, he thought to himself, “what better a time to call my mum than right now?”… “Hi mummy, look how much fun I’m having in Poland” *proceeds to show Pete’s completely Vaselined body to his mum*

Katie, in what can only be described as an abysmal performance in the circle games, finished in nothing but scraps of leopard print material and was barely conscious after never have I ever.

Dinosaurs family

After having a healthy breakfast of lard on bread, the dinosaur family, pioneered by Fozzy circled primarily circled in a park, with Charlie urinating next to a napping ‘Gerard’. Terrible performance G. After Tess pretended to be pregnant to a decidedly senior local antique shop owner just to use the toilet, Matt vomited anyway.

They invented the ‘Dino run’, a game where they’d race to down a tour cup, blow up the inflatable dinosaurs and then run about 100m to this tree and back. The last person back had to do another tour cup and then did it down several hills. Fozzy of course, outstripped them doing it naked. After eating grass and twigs. And being naked in a tree and playing imaginary tennis by himself. They played a marvelous game of international dog or horse and Balbin paddled in an abandoned swimming pool. He then did two pints at once out of a crisp packet and coined the infamous phrase ‘On some days I have a big dick’.

Fozzy exhaled through his nostrils several times to impress the ladies, excreting an impressively large amount of snot each time. Progressing to the hostel, they cliqued up and shut themselves in a room, refusing to let anyone else circle with them, shouting ‘NAKED OR OUT’. Charlie also had a fantastic time spooning One Pint.

Evening

The second night went hard, with family circles at full strength peaking around the hostel’s rooms. One Pint licked Steel’s finger which had been previously located in an orifice Jude generously offered up. JC’s terrible odds on’s were met considerably unfavorably. Tess talked a lot about her diarrhea. On the way to the club, Richard spied an elegant Radisson Easter wreath and decided to make off with it, to the extreme indignation of a hobbitlike employee who sped after Richard and wrestled it from his enthusiastic grasp.

A Creepy Man followed us everywhere, to the contrary of Ben’s repeated protestations. Miles threw up in a pint glass, went to pour it in the toilet, and then just-dropped it on the floor. Jordan got fully naked in the club – and apparently has no recollection of it. Tops went a-flying at 1am (midnight in the copper rooms, obviously) and stayed off which was the catalyst to much tomfoolery especially after Hague spied a chili shot and got many people to try it. But the night was taken by Rosie, who truly outdid herself, She began by throwing up on the dance floor of the club, then got with a 40-45 year old man, because ‘he probably had a big penis’. Said man later punched Jack Cowlard in the face. Thandi and Adam took a late night stroll and the former decided to lick a puddle of horse piss.

Meanwhile, in an attempt to get Rolo home, Ash then had the distinctive pleasure of watching her throw up: 1) on the stairs on the way to the bathroom; 2) in the bathroom (not in the toilet, just everywhere around it); 3) on the floor of McDonalds, getting all 8 of the group who’d traversed there eager for drunk food kicked out; and finally, 4) in the hostel bathroom toilet. She then fell asleep curled up around the toilet, a pose all too familiar with her these last few weeks. Rosie lost this day of tour.

Wednesday – Aquapark

The day started with JD waking up to wet trousers around his ankles, with no idea what happened the night before. Although denying at first, he now agrees that yes, he probably pissed himself. Rhys managed to lose odds on to eat his ticket, and then in having to wait to buy another one, caused everyone to miss the tram. Upon arrival Miles Browne donned a lovely pair of speedos after losing an odds on. We charged into the incredible waterpark including games of volleyball, rock climbing, rope-pod performances, about 10 jacuzzis with a challenge to see how many could fit at one time, slides rollercoaster-size with lights and music and lazy rivers, which Bowditch and Cecilia managed to complete the challenge of swimming the opposite way. Ben completed it after many attempts, being hindered by Charlie several times.

Like typical dodgeballers, games went on whereby Cecilia, Jonny and JC were alternating goalkeepers to several people throwing balls to score. Duo Cecilia and Denise doubled up to thrash JC in goal every time and Ash decided to mug Jonny’s turn off repeatedly. Atop-shouldered wrestles went on, Cecilia and Jonny crashing into the water in furious tussles. An excellent game of Water Dodgeball was invented: floating balls in the middle of a makeshift court, both teams at the back. One skim allowed off the water, everything else the same.

Pete lost odds on to take off his trunks in one of the jacuzzis, with the rest of the group unaware of what he was doing. As the bubbles subsided, the panic on his face was a brilliant source of amusement for all, especially when his trunks were suddenly snatched… “This is not okay! I’m naked in front of kids again! Go get my trunks!”

Evening

After missing the first 2 nights out in Krakow due to a severe lack of form, Pete realized it was time to turn up. True to his word, he finally made it out. Upon realizing that Pete was in the club with them this time, Ben and Fozzy decided they’d had too much of him, and left (that and Ben was hammered and got them both chucked out). Missing the sweet embrace of Krakow street water, Steel got naked and flopped about in a puddle like a fish.

We’d found ourselves in a club which gave girls free drinks, and charged guys absurd amounts. With our 30:9, rather impressive for Dodgeball, ratio, we were in a bit of a pickle. Did that stop us? Course not. Ash lost odds on with Pete to remove one piece of clothing every time the club’s lights went completely off. 5 minutes later the then naked Ash could be seen frantically putting his clothes back on in a corner in fear of having to join Ben and Fozzy. After being bullied by locals about the colour of his lips, Balbin was in need of a pick-me-up and decided it would be nice to compare dicks with Charlie. Apparently Balbin’s is big and Charlie’s is weird.

Ben whilst running with Fozzy on the way back absolutely stacked himself, hit his head and passed out. Fozzy, the hero, got an ambulance, and Steffan and Tess picked him up in the morning, at the same time making their Polish TV debut in a soap opera. Ben was MRI scanned, tried to bite his neck brace off and discharge himself without permission, resulting in him being led to a place further from the exit.

Ben unequivocally lost this night of tour.

Thursday – Zoo Day

Whilst on the bus on the way there, A-Pat, dressed as the Naked Mole Rat’s Vaginal Secretions with Rotting Breast Implants, got motorboated by both Cassia, and then Pete. Fozzy managed to get the pacing tiger to deviate from his melancholic path. Rolo after calling herself ‘the monkey whisperer’ found herself being wanked at by a monkey. Thandi purchased a sticky frog and delighted in bouncing it in everyone’s faces.A woman took one look at Cecilia’s face and huddled her children to her in fear. Another woman also fell prey to the sight of our costumes, exclaiming ‘what the **** is he doing?!’ in Polish at Adam P’s outfit on the bus.

After losing odds on before tour to be kettled by 2pm, Pete JGH and Ash begun their attempt at approximately 12.30 and Pete lost several back-to-back odds ons, found himself pole dancing in the children’s play area, rolling down a hill, and having to lick a camel… The latter sadly did not occur. Jonny had an incredible time at the zoo, losing an odds on with Charlie not to look at any of the animals.

Club meal

The Bialy Roza waitresses took one look at us, tittered and decided to accidentally -on- purpose mangle our booking. (They should have seen us on our way to the zoo…)We headed almost hopeless to the old town square where miraculously, the beautiful Wesela restaurant took us in, giving us their whole upstairs and dishes from hare to roast deer to select from. Rhys and Oli got lost walking round the square twice to go back for more money.

Cassia tried to order another drink which its highly doubted that she needed, because she took the menu, mumbled something absolutely incomprehensible and then as an end to her conversation with herself (to no recommendation from the waiter) said ‘yeah that sounds great thank you!’

One Pint stood up to regale us with stories of public erections and the collective anticipation silenced the room, but alas it was anticlimactic, culminating in him doing his pint ‘because he was so shit’. He endeavoured to resurrect this on the coach on female ejaculation to a mixed reception. He still also owes Jordan a page long essay on Jordan’s nipples, after losing odds on.

Evening – Prozak, 2.0

This night we made much party.

Jude bought fermented cabbage water and Josh Keys cried when he smelled it. Balbin took a shot and promptly vomited. JC also took a sniff, and hovered dangerously between the sink and the toilet. Keys got boshed with it, but Jonny had to hero it due to his auction and downed it without batting an eyelid, to the infuriation of an incredulous crowd. Except later his bowels deferred to the mighty power of the cabbage potion and our new social sec spent the night running circles around the toilet.

Ash and Sarah tried to open a corkscrew with a shoe several times, the bottle refusing to give in. Lee got pepper sprayed, and Jude brought him back from the club. He came in saying to Katie and Fozzy ‘guys can you deal with this, I’m tired and am going to bed’, despite Katie and Fozzy already being in bed. They washed him and got pepper spray on themselves too. JD and Charlie also got with multiple guys, and the former threw up after a quarter pint of a lonza. Miles claimed he could strawpedo a bottle of wine and failed miserably after a third. Jordan downed 3 tour cups in 3 ½ minutes, and Cassia and Fozzy played straight chicken. Fozzy and steel then played gay chicken. No one lost…

Ash had a pint and got absolutely wasted. He counted the tour money three times, gave it to Cecilia, then forgot he had given it to her and went back to the hostel to find it and panicked. He then threw multiple wobblys about people not going out.

Rolo took a courgette to the club, her standard clutch. About 8 people deepthroated it. JGH’s skills were declared nonexistent. JC was kicked out of the club for taking off his shirt, and got back in twice. He then wanted to stay in the club on his own because he was ‘having fun’ and later passed out on the floor 5m from his bed after getting pushed off the sofa by Ash who didn’t want to spoon anymore. The next morning he had to down a pint of kuflow and stalled for an hour, so Lee threw it over him. Mehrvag threw a wobbly about having naked men in his bed, which was a surprise for all of us considering how many men he’d already gotten with. Every time he got oddsed on to get with a guy he gave 1… Steel was also noticed passed out naked on the sofa.

But the real shocker was that Izzy actually slept in her own bed! (Though only because Charlie had broken his and moved into the girl’s room).

Friday – Leave Krakow

The warriors roamed even further afield in Krakow, exploring Wawel castle, the Jewish quarter, then splitting to have lunch. Some trawled through Schindler’s factory, another group bought BB guns and had several shootouts, and later used them for their real purpose-to shoot JC**t, who soon lived up to his name…see plane and coach.

After losing odds on with A-Pat (to which he gave 1:1 odds), Ash played lush life 178 times. Boasting to everyone that him and Josh Garcia had spent 50 euros on the flight on what was essentially 7 pints, JC*nt got even more wasted on the plane. “Oh my god. I thought the 2 hour plane journey would get rid of JC*nt, but he’s even worse” said an amazed Ben as he walked off to be as far away from JC*nt as possible. Just as everyone started to fall asleep, the coach journey’s noise pollution was provided by JC*nt, who conducted a game by himself, sounding like this:

‘What’s the name of the game?!
SLaaa(here his voice cracks)AAPS!
What are we gonna do?!
Get fucked up!
1! 2! 3! 4! Oh no, 4 singles in a row!
JC you messed up! Down your pint!’

We arrived back in Leamington around 3am and headed off in our separate directions, ready for the final day of tour.

Jug Day

Ah Jug Day. After the antics that ensued last year, people rose from their slumbers, wondering who would turn up for the final day of tour. At approximately 11:56, about 7 large English breakfasts arrived at the slab. In an attempt to get value for money, Ash, starting at 12:00: “I don’t care how long this takes, I will not be beaten”. He finished at just after 13:30. Utterances of “I really hope James Cameron has got a raging hangover and is dead somewhere and doesn’t turn up” were heard all through the Jug, probably even by the bar staff. At around 1pm, Mixed Netball turned up and proceeded to stand around the table awkwardly. Clearly realising they wanted the slab, Fozzy: “Fuck off you pricks. Turn up earlier next time”.

Odds on highlights include:

  • Fozzy vaselining his face. Twice.
  • The Bowditch mustard shot
  • Ash shotting from a straw, then failing to eg (call yourself a social sec) and a lovely Fozzy buying him a second.
  • Pete having his boxers off yet again
  • Cassia having to hold a straw up her nose for 5 minutes, Ash joining her on the other end of the straw. Cassia: “I can feel something dripping out of my nose, and I think it’s blood…”

At some point in the day, James turned up, with everyone seemingly in an unspoken agreement to refuse to acknowledge the incident(s) from the coach. Though a plucky JD said to him “It’s bold of you to come here considering you didn’t turn up to tour”. Lee also decided to reveal that he had been to several strip clubs.

Many of you will have read Fozzy’s review of the Jug. If not, here it is:

Jug Day on Great Saturday

It was Fantastic Sunday Eve. Our group was tired, cold and broken, having travelled from Poland the previous night (Good Friday). Some of us arrived just in time for the large breakfast – two thumbs up, although mushroom size was inconsistent.

The wet blanket had dried out just in time for turning up for tour and as a result decided to order three craft ales at once – two thumbs up.

We sought comic relief in the form of a professional boomeranger which only added to the ambience.

“Satisfying”, “underwhelming”, “over-underwhelming” these are some of the many thoughts of the people sharing my table.

[side-track to review of trip advisor]

Trip advisor is incredible.

[Back to Jug review]

Food arrived suspiciously quickly, but I’m not one to complain. My friend was offered free tasters of the craft ale – two thumbs up.

My eyes began to get heavy and the lack of nap-space was disappointing. As a result I had to settle for a quick sleep in a toilet cubicle. When I woke up my face was covered in Vaseline – odd (but two thumbs up).

We were disappointed that the vegetarian all-day brunch contained no meat-the staff seemed nonchalant about this inconsistency.

My friend asked for a cider black but it was distinctly purple – they were very close to having a wobbler but we managed to restrain them.

Anyway, we ended up leaving for a rogue house party and it was dope, so there – two thumbs up.

Overall excellent – hence the 5 stars (and two thumbs up).

By Mehrvag

Everyone being clapped out and randomers joining in the clapping. Tim “ideas man” Fozzard inventing the backwards clap, to clap Higgs back in after he missed his train. Win. A-Pat turning up with his blanket acquired from Prozak 2.0 (ridiculously amazing effort) – any danger of any other freshers? Even some randomer called Balraj “judas” Dhingra was there briefly…

At around 16:30, we decided it was time to stop delaying the inevitable, and touchcup begun. The Oliver Hague stats tracker was created, properly this time – attempts, rims, completions all recorded. Several pints later, the remaining contingent headed to 23RR to watch England vs Germany. Cecilia went to see and collect a shaken Jude in hospital after falling off his bike, stayed with him for 3 hours and finally brought him to RR to continue the party. 1-0 down at half time, and quickly 2-0 down in the second half, all hope seemed lost. “Fuck this I’m gonna bet on England to win” was quickly laughed off. But it was Steel who had the last laugh, with Jamie Vardy joining the 23RR party.

At full-time, in true Warwick Dodge fashion, tour was concluded with a massive Karaoke session, including, of course, the High School Musical soundtrack.

Thank you very much for a lovely game of tour, we are out.
(Till next year)

Jonah Saylor and Cecilia

show less


 

Prague, Czech Republic – 2014/2015

Highlight Video:

Report:

Arrival Day

After leaving Kelsey’s suitably and inappropriately inebriated in the early hours of Monday morning, this year’s Dodge Tour contingent began their journey to Prague. The anticipation and excitement was clear on both the coach and the plane. As we arrived in Prague, the tone for the rest of the week was set early, with Pete losing a 2/1 odds on to ‘Smother a Puppy’. Told by everyone that hugging a puppy would suffice, Pete’s only response would be “I’m sorry guys, I’m going to have to kill a puppy”.

show more

After a long journey, arriving at Arpacay Hostel with only 1 of the 3 rooms ready was not what we wanted. With cry’s of “Let’s all take a shit in the girls’ toilets and not flush”, team leader Cameron decided it was probably wise we split into groups and got our first taste of Czech food… after a long winded search, 22/35 members found themselves in JJ Murphy’s Irish Pub, bouncing a lot of pennies into a lot of glasses… Probably not what he had in mind.

Many people will know about Rhys’s previous performances on Ski Tour and in others’ houses, but no one had predicted what followed later that night. Passing out in the middle of circle on his back was not the best decision he’s ever made. After being suitably sharpied all over, a quality game of BuckaRhys was initiated. Once pretty much every bottle/toilet roll/cheese puff had been placed on him, the general consensus was to throw the other passed out member of the room, Pete, over him. Rhys woke up quite surprised and scared by what had happened. Unfortunately, the room soon realized he had been scared just a bit too much. With the smell of a soiled pair of boxers in the air, it was time to leave.

Meanwhile, downstairs, a lot of members were realizing that Balbin wasn’t quite his usual chirpy self. Cries of “Balbin, stop being shit” led to him deciding to strawpedo a full 2L bottle of Branik. To be fair to him, he got halfway, before realizing “I just can’t deal with bubbles!!”

In the club, at precisely 23:59 everyone looked around and knew exactly what we needed to do. Midnight struck and t-shirts were flying around. It was as if it was Wednesday night.

After a fairly heavy start to Tour, many members were quick to vacate Karlovy Lazne early in the night to get some well-earned rest before the next day…

Twat of the Day – Rhys for BuckaRhys and “Shitty Pants”

10409036_10155334485565375_174721378195652657_n

Family Day

As always, family day proved to be a spectacular one for all.

The Pirate Family, equipped with Tour veteran Iain, brought back the old Tour game of Hill Punch, with an added twist…Continuing with the theme of ‘Let’s all bully Pete’, the finishing line to the game: slap/hit/kick/generally abuse Pete as hard as you can. I think it’s fairly obvious that will be making a return this year. Cecilia, Pete, Iain and sundry drew from JC’S Treasure chest of forfeits and engaged in epic swordfights before then taking challenges to run around as many trees as possible (drunk of course). Sarah’s performance culminated in getting absolutely shipwrecked from Pirates circle and had a nap for ‘ten’ minute wherein she was thoroughly, artistically and enthusiastically decorated by all, not quite making it to the club. Mr Lee Francis did a naked upside down drink at swordpint as was the tradition of the (best) pirate family, before a rival family happened upon them in an attempt to ambush, which was nicely crushed.

Mad Hatters family After a creative Beer Bong pint, Jonny couldn’t keep it down. In what probably wasn’t even an odds on, Oli Steel, quickly lived up to his grubby midlander reputation, and ate the chun… The less said about this moment the better.Hopkins and the Band Family pretty much beat any long arm ever seen in Dodgeball – standing on a pedalo and being fed from probably 50 feet up on the ledge. Boatraception ensued: a boat race within a boat race. Full points for edginess. Pounds also got into the river to do a pint, top form.

In the Commando Family, on seeing ginormous faceless baby statues, Meg just couldn’t resist getting on top. Topless. “Oh my god this baby’s so wide!” were the infamous words issued from her mouth as she decided to give it a ride.

During circles in the evening Pete lost a 2/1 odds on (what a shock) to come downstairs unclothed in front of everyone. Somehow managing to lose a 99/1 odds on with Steel, Pete proceeded to lift his hands up, revealing, to everyone’s relief, a sock (which Cam later licked) waving about – the birth of Captain Cock Sock. He also later found himself with a cigarette up his ass and letting it be lit. Balbin, not wanting to waste a cigarette, proceeded to smoke it as tourmal…

On the way home, a few of us came across another Irish pub. As it was St. Patrick’s Day, the pub was suitably decorated with green, white and orange balloons over the top of the door. Obviously we knew what we had to do. After a few of our failed attempts to reach the balloons and pull them down, during which we were running up the wall and still failing, who else other than resident beanstalk Steffan walks up to them, reaches up and just pulls them down. Mission accomplished. 30 or so balloons were our escort back to the hotel.

Twat of the Day – Oli Steel for eating chunder.

10498599_866705100059404_7710460278970579853_o

Park Day

Successfully fulfilling his Tour Pledge, JC woke up and ate his bowl of Beerios. Unfortunately for all, this led to his bowels deciding to remove everything inside in gaseous form. A pissed off Ben (who was sleeping above him): “James you are probably the filthiest human being I have ever met. I hope one day you actually shit the life out of yourself and die”

Park day was a fairly expected one. Those too hungover to move lay on the grass contemplating their life choices, probably with their neck still tagged from Harry the night before (lovebites for everyone). Those with any ounce of energy left partook in games of JAM, 15 a side football, Ultimate Frisbee, contact football-rounders and bulldodge (honorable mention to Ollie’s sensational rugby tackling abilities in the latter 2 games. Cecilia was last girl in until Steffan’s long legs were stuck out in a rather untimely manner. She was saved as the girls came to her rescue, forming a royalesque escort and carrying her gallantly off pitch.

Pledging to do a belly button shot each day wasn’t something Meg thought would be too difficult – and it wouldn’t have been if she just did it without complaining. Today’s shot was to be off Lee, and after seeing how much fun it looked, Katie was quick to want in on her own stomach shot – about which Mr Staples was exceedingLEE happy. After losing yet another odds on, Pete found himself spending almost half his daily allowance to buy 12 kinder eggs – to which invariably the girls turned into an eggcellently entertaining egg hunt for him.

A successful day in the park was to be followed by one of the best free bars in the world: the Drunken Monkey. But not before James was to feel the consequences of being the loud mouth he is. After auctioning off the chance to force him to do a 6-pint milk challenge at the time of the buyer’s choosing, James’s smirk quickly dropped when Steel announced it was time – right outside the bar.
“Do you know what’s better than touchcup? Free touchcup”.

Drunken Monkey bar was without a doubt a club favorite. 3 tables of beer pong, a drinking version of Jenga and a 3-cup-game of touchcup, all for free. What more could we want? Booth. Albeit only for the night, Rosie had made her way to see us all, and, in classic Booth style, managed to stay alive for about 3 hours before having to be taken home and put to bed. Once the final calls were made in the bar, Jude thought it was an appropriate time to get everyone to finish their bottles. In hitting the top of my bottle with his as hard as he possibly could, he smashed not only Ash’bottle, but his own on the floor too. After starting to clear up the glass, he looked up and shouted “It’s not my house” and walked off. Well played sir.

Not having had enough alcohol in the free bar, Steffan and Cecilia decided to split a litre of vodka to themselves, strong effort.

On the walk to the next stop, some of us thought it would be nice to engage with the other locals/tourists on the pub-crawl with us – some more were friendlier than others. After realizing they were both from Australia, Thandi and Donovan made sure they ate as much of each other’s faces off as they could in the short amount of time they had together. Rumor has it his next stop on his European travels is Leamington in a few months…

The final club we ended up in had some interesting music choices. On seeing Pete lose odds on and get on a tram on his own, the rest of us decided he would know where to go and went inside. Ollie and Ben’s dancing styles were a sight to see. On thinking they could do a better job than one of the dancers, they decided to get up on stage and show off their moves. Unfortunately for everyone, they was escorted off after about 5 seconds.

Back at the hostel, members had realized that Panter was yet to WereWack for his Tour Pledge. Steel took it upon himself to give him the first. Unfortunately, the unexpectedness of it all meant Cam was startled and punched Steel’s cup halfway across the room, apologized and passed out again.

Twat of the day – Booth for doing a Booth

11082663_866705163392731_7462885269560221359_n

Zoo Day

Best costumes
Mark (Big Friendly Genitalia) – excellent effort
Lee Francis (57 varieties of Heinz) – great creativity and improvisation
Charlie (Shit smeared, saggy boobed, pig tailed prostitute in suspenders) – …
Thandi (Flappy Bird) – top commitment
Hague (Oooh Men’s football) – just for the mask
Lia (Miserable Karaoke Machine) – playing Africa on loop

Shit costumes
Balbin (nothing)
Ben (nothing)
Sam Pounds his mum (nothing)
James (basically nothing except some glasses and RVM written on a t-shirt)

In a shock tourn of events the next tourning, Milly was waking up in her own bed for the first, and last, time this Tour. By 11:30 we were finally on our way.

Seeing us arrive at the zoo would certainly have been an interesting sight for any locals/tourists hoping for a quiet day out with their families, not least with the increasing number of apparent victims to Harry’s vampire alter-ego. With Steffan immediately running to the toilets to remove the half litre of vodka still inside him (context: he’d actually claimed he could take a full litre…) the bar was set high for the day. DJ Fitzy P proved he was worth his name, accompanying his strong costume effort by playing Africa – Toto on loop for the entirety of the day. Amit would have been proud.

After being the victim to last year’s Tour Winner, Ali must have hated that the number of animals to “mug him off” grew 5 fold. Having been mugged off by a penguin early on, he then had to hide behind the rest of the group as he was too scared to enter the ‘Twilight zone’ where 3 bats were flying free. After being mooned by a gorilla, Kidson almost followed in Rhys’ footsteps from Monday night, when he saw a long plastic object, mistaking it for a snake. Ali’s day was complete when he screamed at the top of his voice thinking a spider was on him – only to turn around and see that he’d brushed past a twig.

On leaving the zoo, JC ended the day on a rather questionable note. After a young girl, who can’t have been more than 6 years old, walked past him and waved at him, James turned around jubilant and said, “I’m in there”.

On returning back to the hostel with at least 50 tea bags attached to him, Jude realized that there was no point wasting them. After searching for 50 mugs, he knew it was going to have to be a bath. Though sitting in the bath of tea can’t have been as bad as washing your hair in it, can it Pete?

The girls, on brilliant effort from organisers (mainly) Harry and Sarah had all got themselves Tour specific Tikki cups that were worn round their necks at all times. Rules being
1) Everyone has one go to call TIKKI TIME per day upon which every girl must have a shot within 5 minutes
2) Every girl had a character specific reason to drink, for example every time Cecilia made a pun or every time Harry said ‘ALL THE THINGS!’ This resulted in absolute chaos.

That night, the boys did something similar: Josh and Chris made up ‘Branik time’ (Branik-a local beer) by setting alarms which upon being heard, all members had to finish their drinks. Last one to finish did another. There are various ways to play the game: John realized that as long as your cup is empty, it doesn’t matter if your drink is in your mouth or on your t-shirt.

After club meal, everyone returned to the hostel eager to get rowdy once tour. On walking in to the room with Harry yelling “Don’t go into Steel’s room, he’s on Pornhub trying to get an erection to slap Balbin in the face with his cock”, it was obviously going to be an eventful night. Steel quickly realized the pressure of everyone expecting great things was too much for him, and decided that the only option was to go flaccid. After being slapped in the cheek twice by Steel’s flaccid penis, “cause the first time wasn’t adequate enough”, Balbin returned to circle looking perplexed as to why he was not given a say in what had happened in the past few moments…

During a game of Never Have I Ever, Steel continued his fine form of showing everyone how high his limits are, with “Never have I ever caught my parents having a wank”. Silence from the circle.

Still bitter about not getting to go to Portugal the weekend before, my “Never have I ever been to Amsterdam after meaning to go to Portugal” was greeted by an unusual response from a mildly inebriated Kidson: “Too specific, too many words, you are brown”… Unsure of what to make of that, circle continued, until everyone was suitably drunk and we headed out.

On the walk to the club, Josh lost odds on with Steel (who else?) to run into the next lamppost. Josh showed brilliant commitment to this odds on and yet was surprised at his dead arm in the club that night.

We returned to Karlovy Lazne for our final night, this time at an appropriate hour of about 00:30. As we’d missed it turning midnight, and because it would have been 00:00 in the Copper Rooms, anyone in the club at 01:00 would have witnessed Warwick Dodge’s finest: topless, social shirts swinging in the air – just as Disco Dave would have wanted. Unfortunately for Pete, on seeing his top off, almost everyone in the club saw this as an opportunity to slap the living daylight out of him… After being battered and bruised, Pete had a 10-minute time out on the sofas, exclaiming how much he wanted to nap, but refused to be taken home. Meanwhile, Cam was found at the bar ordering close to 100 pints and/or absinthe shots for the club. ‪#‎baller‬

Continuing their fine form from the night before, Ben and Ollie found themselves irritating Czech locals with some aggressive dancing. After forming battle lines and watching one of the locals charge at them, both of them almost wet themselves laughing when said local slipped, fell over and poured his own drink all over himself. Battle won.

After spending most of Tour sober so far, James had arrived in Prague. Some say the slaps from myself, Hague and Kidson earlier during circle sparked this, others say he just realized it was his last day to repeat#‎JConthepull‬. To be fair, after passing out in the club for about an hour, returning home and passing out with his trousers by his ankles is probably about as far as he’s gotten since that night in November… Thursday 27th November 2014, a date etched in his brain.

A word of advice for anyone attempting to force Cam to drink in the middle of the night whilst he’s fast asleep: a) Make sure there are no kegs around, and b) if there is a keg, run as fast as you can (or get Iain to block it).

Twat of the day – Cam for throwing a keg at Pete

10520417_866705080059406_4978345681633633483_n

Departure Day

With everyone surprisingly up, dressed and ready to leave not long after the 11am check out time, we left our stuff and headed to a nearby patch of greenery. On questioning Jude about his attempted pull the night before, his response of “I’ve got no game and she’s probably got a boyfriend knowing my luck” screamed an unerring resemblance to One Pint, something we’ve got to look forward to next Tour.Still feeling the effects of last night, Lee Staples decided he needed to head back to the hostel, with one parting comment: “I’m either gonna be sick, or have a brain hernia”.

In what can only be described as his best achievement in life, Pete went on an unbelievable streak of 9 consecutive 2/1 odds on wins (which has a probability of 0.195% if anyone cares), the highlights of which included JC losing to have to do Beerios for a week after Tour, Steel losing to have to count out loud for 3 minutes (during which everyone was waiting for him to say 20+1, which he did) and myself losing to run after a tram and jump on. The best one of them all, however, was Hopkins losing on having to empty a tub of Vaseline all over his body. Pete’s streak came to an end however, losing and having to lick Hopkins’ body 5 times.

On searching for some lunch, Pete realized it was time for his meal on his own. Sat in a restaurant with others having a great time, Pete found himself sad and contemplating life, whilst building a coaster-pyramid. His lunch got even more depressing when the waitress walked past him, didn’t even acknowledge his existence, knocked his well-made pyramid over, and just walked off… Well played. Her day wasn’t complete there. On seeing the state of the guys’ necks, she questioned what had happened the night before… After being asked by Hopkins if she would give him a lovebite too, her response: “Haha. No.” and yet again just walked off. Parred.

On arriving at the train station, Steel muttered to those around: “I don’t like escalators, they really confuse me. You have to stutter your walk and plan ahead. I don’t like planning ahead”. It’s fair enough, considering caravans don’t have escalators. Later, he lost odds on to have a wank on the plane. Most people would be horrified at the task that was to come, but not this Dodgeball Warrior: “It’s been so long it’s gonna be like a volcano exploding at the end of my penis”. After claiming he’d finish in under 2 minutes, Steel emerged 5m36s later looking proud as ever. Despite everyone telling him that we’d take his word for it, he still wanted to prove he completed the odds on, and passed around a picture of his proof. On being questioned why it wasn’t under 2 mins, Steel said: “Every time I tried to think of something sexy, Balbin kept popping up in my head”.

We arrived back in Leamington in the early hours of Saturday morning, everyone feeling the effects of a very successful week. After realizing both suitcases had been left on the road, Pete and I ran back to collect them. On catching up to everyone, we noticed they were waiting by Kelsey’s. The coincidence was too much to ignore. In we went. After a soothing pint of Carlsberg, tasting like gold dust after what we’d been drinking, we headed home, eagerly anticipating the final day of Tour…

Twat of the Day – Steel for wanking on a plane whilst thinking of Balbin

10842252_866705090059405_5014594569582993167_o

Jug Day

The day about as appropriate as James waking up thinking about the girl from the zoo…

Having just spent 5 days absurdly drunk in Prague, we were all keen for more. With the 1st team playing in the Uni Cup, we knew it would be a late one. Did that hold us back? Of course not.

With about 10 of us there by noon, Cecilia had noticed a VERY strong habit and oddsed on Pete to drink every time he says ‘very’. Not convinced he’d say it that much, the rest of us thought it would be wise to keep a tally, on his arm. Before even starting the tally, Pete lost odds on to do half a pint every time he said the word. Pete said very about 67 times, even saying ‘That was very bad’ after downing a pint because he’d just said very.
On seeing John go to take a sip out of his rather full pint, Ash pulled out a 2p coin from his wallet and got it in from across the table. Pete was exceedingly congratulatoury, with a genius (considering the odds on) “I have never seen such great things done with a 2 penny coin. Very well done”…nice one Leighton. He then was sat in the tourner for 15 minutes by general consensus in an attempt to quieten him down. This really didn’t work. After losing 3 consecutive 2/1 odds on with Oli “Odds On” Steel, Pete found himself not wearing boxers, having attempted to have a wank in the Jug toilets and failing, had to have yet another meal on his own. He finally won an odds on with Harry on using Veet hair removal cream on their pubes. On realizing he’d won, it’s fair to say he was quite happy, shouting, “BUBBLY, BUBBLY, PUBIC HAIR” whilst pointing at Harry. Pete made a strong effort by getting this day renamed as Pete Day. And he just might have, if he didn’t go for a nap in Lee’s car for 2 hours.

After being removed from the Jug at around 22:30 (for reasons that were probably valid), Tour was over for some where Ash decided to swear at the bouncer and Cecilia hosted a post tour film night. We wrapped up a magnificent week watching The Incredibles, touchcup continued at the Jug, and Pete, playing on the Slab for the first time, had a sensational run of 9 consecutive swishes (seems to be a lucky number for him). A fitting end to a fantastic Tour debut.

Tour officially ended at 00:46, when the last remaining few finished their pints and finally vacated the Slab, a strong 14 hours after it was claimed.

Massive shout out to Tash Newman, the incredible tour sec for this year who unfortunately could not go, (struck down by the dreaded Dodge Tour sec curse as was Rosie) but organised an amazing one nonetheless. I (Cecilia) will be fighting the odds to defeat it this year. Wish me luck.

10553590_866705456726035_7233128721408750048_n

– Akshay Shah (Social Sec)

show less


Budapest, Hungary – 2013/2014


Zagreb, Croatia – 2012/2013


Porto, Portugal – 2011/2012


Sofia, Bulgaria – 2010/2011


Prague, Czech Republic – 2009/2010


Berlin, Germany – 2008/2009


Barcelona, Spain – 2007/2008