Zoë Wells (c)
Lucy Bannister Curran
Ball boys: Henry Spriggs and Tom Ovenden
Loosey BC started her jug day strong with a pitcher of porn star martini at 12:15, greeted raucously at the table with cheers and lots of confused looks from the captain and vice-captain who had been told she couldn’t play as she was “heading home” before the league meet. After approximately 2 seconds of peer pressure, she decided she could play after all, and finished her pitcher before heading out at 12:30.
Car 1, driven by our emotional support retriever Tom O, featured an ever-reddening Lucie BC treating us to such wonders as MC Hammer’s “Can’t Touch This” – or rather MC Bannister’s #metoo era friendly bop, “Don’t Touch Me” – and a list of increasingly abstract spellings of vice-captain Lea Credé’s name (see below for full rankings). The development car, driven by Lucy Palmer, demonstrated a unique ability to hone onto toll roads, despite the GPS “definitely being set to no-toll roads” according to toll road retriever Henry Spriggs, leading to it arriving a full 30 minutes late, or at the same time as Car 1.
– Warwick 1s/Mai-An vs Birmingham 3s
With minimal warmup time, we launched ourselves straight into the match, racking up some solid sets early on in the game. Mai-An made a fantastic combo, pre-throwing one thrower out before going on to catch the remaining lonely single faster than you can say right swipe. Sadly things then took a bit of a turn for the worse, with Lia astral projecting straight into a ball and us dropping a set, leaving us with a still very solid 8-2 score at half time. Lousey BC, anxious to make up for lost time, downed a pre-emptive hangover coffee in the outbox and confidently told the capitana that, despite her face matching her shirt, she was not tipsy.
Setting an early theme for the day, Mai-An started the second half with a block straight into Ruth. However, thanks to a superpowered healed hand, Ruth caught the ball in the nick of time, with our girls going on to secure the frame and Mai-An redeeming herself by catching the last ball. Not content enough to just leave it at that, Mai-An then completed her massive shit on Birmingham by catching the first ball of the next frame off her shoulder without even so much as a glance, to many cheers from the wounded captain and mutilated future captain. Lia equalised a set in the last 5 seconds with a ping the likes pongs can only dream of. Knowing full well that we were soon going to have our work cut out for us against the BoS girls, Mai-An tactically opted to get a headstart on that game, nailing a hit off one of their girls in the stalls in the final frame of the match.
A fantastically played game, with a 20-6 final score.
– Warwick United vs BoS 1s
Warwick 1s vs BoS 1s
Luschie BC, shaking off the last of the alcohol driven haze of the single jug from earlier in the morning, was at last ready to step up and defeat our fabled opponents once and for all. Moving with the confidence only a latent alcoholic could have, she swiftly fished for the first ball that flew her way and was hit out instantly. Jemma took two catches in a row, radiating confidence and subsequently teeth, after an unfortunate face hit. The first half ended with us up by 8-4.
The second half got off to a bit of a trickier start, with Jemma insisting that the girls shout “hawt dawg” instead of Warwick, earning her and the entire squad an automatic demotion to the second string squad.
Warwick 2s vs BoS 1s
Quickly down to our last woman, Lia Crede faced off against 4 BoS girls, nabbing a catch and using that ball to take out a single, only then having her rampage ended. Lucy Palmer, anxious to one-up Mai-An, blocked a ball into both Lia and Michela at the start of a frame, succeeding in securing the only double hit of the day and also the BoS MVP title. BoS called for a time-out, which ended with yet more hawt dawging from the girls. The girls lost their right to call themselves 2s players, and the captain lost her will to live.
Warwick 3s vs BoS 1s
Lucy P quickly redeemed herself by taking a fantastic catch in the next frame, before being coached by the captain, vice captain, sub, ball retrievers, and potentially members of BoS themselves to just stay on the floor, suffering from the largest pain in the arse since Mehrdad came back. Despite all this, BoS were pulling out all the stops and had managed to nearly equalise, with a 10-12 score before the final set. The captain at last found her will to live again, called half time, and the girls, now anxious to make sure that the steely balls didn’t smash us any more, stuck to protocol.
Warwick 1s vs BoS 1s
Sadly, maybe dawgs were the missing ingredient after all. We didn’t quite manage to hold that all important final frame, with those slippery Balls just sliding out of our grasp. Final score of 12-12, a fantastic effort made by all.
MVP: For some incredible catches, fantastic counters, and some okay-maybe-we-should -work-on-that blocking, Lucy Palmer is our MVP for the day.
Pints: Lucy Palmer blocking into Michela and Lia.
– Llusahie Bannister-Curran’s attempts at spelling Lia’s name, ranked in reverse order:
5. Laeh: like Leah, but for dyslexic people
4. Leeah: like Leah, but for drunk people
3. LheA: like Leah, but for drunk dyslexic people who accidentally hit caps lock
1. Leahah: a lesser known move in Yeehah, wherein the player points their fist at Lia and she immediately downs her drink
TL;DR: beat Birmingham 3s, drew with BoS 1s, had a solid Jug Day.
– Zoë Wells