Zoë Wells (c)
Lucy Palmer (c)
Marek Podgajny (c)
Apologies for the brief hiatus on match reports, apparently they don’t accept the form for writing assignments yet so I had to write “actual work” for my “degree”. Anyway, now that that bullshit’s done, I can get back to what really matters in life: talking about warm halls and sweaty, sweaty balls.
– Warwick vs. Bedford Rangers
A hotly anticipated match between the league seconds and the league second-from-bottoms, we entered this game with great expectations. Further improving our chances was the fact that we started each frame with only 5 players on court, having opted to represent gender discrimination in the world by making our women work twice as hard for the same recognition, and also apparently people still have exams. Still, the half started off well with a couple fantastic sets clinched nice and early. Spriggs worked on his try-out routine for Warwick Sub-Aqua, diving full bodily into the very solid ground but still coming out of it with an equally solid catch. Having initially lost their ankles to some tasty throws from Matt and Marek, the Rangers soon remembered their footing and started to pull it back a little, leading Dan and myself to test out the #wastehistime2019 routine, carefully sidestepping everything they threw our way while still letting them think they stood a chance. With this we ended the first half only a set behind, at 6-8, eager to get back out there and fulfil our dodgeball underdog story.
However, the match then shifted into an unfortunately more familiar and more expected gear. Players we’ve grown to love became tired, tactics stopped making sense, and the captains collectively forgot about the iron fleet (read: fucking prethrows). I’ve already omitted those last 15 minutes from my memory so can’t tell you exactly how, but we ended with a still quite decent score of 6-20 at full time, not something to be entirely sniffed at, and with our moist players definitely not something to be sniffed at either.
– Warwick vs Derby Phantoms
Despite our comparative lack of players, we genuinely entered this match feeling a lot more hopeful and having learnt a lot from our burn out against Rangers. Matt leant into his dormant podophilia and fucked ankles left and right, equalising every frame in the first five seconds with the help of Dan’s speedy balls and perfect flicks. Over on the left side of court, Henry and Marek prepared for the summer by lathering the court in their fluids and creating a makeshift slip and slide, which we can only assume helped Marek with his running counters and Henry with his photogenic line faults. With some fantastically timed catches from La Capitana (Cool Original) and La Capitana (Chilli Heatwave), we ended the first half up a frame with a lovely score of 9-7.
Aware that it is Warwick tradition to fumble the second half of a game and having been reminded of this fact by number 1 Wazza fanboy Gareth during the break between, we entered the second half wary of the tough battle that still lay ahead. By managing to garner more pings than our players ponged, we held the line solidly from the start of the half and were really forcing Phantoms to give it everything they had, except that one Phantoms guy who probably played about 10 seconds total thanks to Matt refusing to let him play. Marek unfortunately suffered some kind of mild stroke partway through and lost feeling in his left arm, which led to many accusations of cheating from the other side, though the jury is still out on whether these are well founded. Regardless, our five honourable players and one filthy cheat stormed ahead to a fantastically well-deserved victory, with a final score of 15-9.
MVP: This was the most divided vote we’ve had on my count, and that just speaks volumes about the insane quality of play on the day. I know I usually joke around in this bit, but literally everyone played some of the best dodgeball I’ve seen them play, the teamwork was top notch, and I’m honestly so proud and astounded of everyone’s standard of play on the day. However, special mention does have to go out to an especially sweaty boy: for equalising the frames and making our player deficit barely noticeable, Matt Manns is our MVP of the meet.
Punishment pints: Henry Spriggs (line fault)
TL;DR: lost 6-20 against Rangers, won 15-9 against Phantoms. Average temperature of the hall: 56C. I just forced at least one person to find out the technical term for a foot fetish. Very well played by our little team.
– Zoë Wells