Mixed League Meet 1 – 13th January 2019

For you youths who were born in a different millennium and are unfamiliar with match reports, they are self-explanatory so I won’t explain them. They stopped happening because we got lazy but degrees are just privileged social constructs that are symptomatic of a crumbling late-stage capitalist system and I like procrastinating so here we are.

Zoë Wells
Josh Keys
Lia Credé
Lucy Palmer
Mai-An Dang
Matt Manns
Mehrdad Damavandi
Marek Podgajny

*Match 1 vs London Storm 1s*
Despite Lucy spreading some dangerous Big Steve propaganda, we entered the match feeling shakily confident in our ability to avoid decimation by a Storm team made up of experienced, strong and stable players (and also Akshay Shah). Faced with some dubious (bullshit) calls, Mehrdad surprisingly kept his cool, instead channelling his anger into throwing at the 10-foot Storm players, barely throwing an invalid. Thanks to the girls making some fantastic catches and the guys also being there we were at a decent 6-6 by half time.

The second half brought about a change in tactics. Marek opted for the rarely used chemical warfare route, spreading his fluids across the court in a show of passion. In spite of his injury Marek managed to keep Big Steve in his own even Bigger Pocket, but we began to slip a little as Storm’s experience shone through. The team put in their all, applying so much effort that Lia grew a second, smaller knee on her left knee and Marek started shedding teeth. But it was all in vain, as the match ended with a score of 9-17.

*Match 2 vs Manchester Bees 2s*
After watching us hold our own in the Storm match, the Bees Bees were definitely quaking in their little buggy booties. In a classic show of good sportsmanship from our captains, we opted to give them a fair chance by not being on court at the start of the game and relying on gravity to be our ball retrievers. Thankfully there were lots of tasty little catches being made by all, fixing this initial error and bringing us up to 9-3 at half time.

The second half got to a rocky start, with the Bees nabbing a couple sets in a row. Thankfully Matt Manns received divine intervention and, like the avenging angels of Biblical times, returned to smash the Bees every time they so much as thought of taking out one of our players (Ezekiel 23:20). Making up for lost time after missing Pop earlier this week, Marek got physical with a particularly suicidal Bee in the dead zone, coming away having made a catch and several bases. The match ended with a spicy spicy score of 19-9.

Thanks to his impressive playing throughout the day, his stellar dodging across lines, his depleting health and a surprise vote from the Make A Wish Foundation, Marek is the MVP of the day.

TL;DR: Lost to Storm 9-17; Won against Bees 19-9. Marek has too few teeth and Lia has too many knees.

– Zoë Wells

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